November 20, 2009

I promise, I haven't abandoned the blog. There hasn't been too much to remark about concerning the "cancer world". I had a follow up with my Plastic Surgeon a week after surgery and everything is looking great. I healed really fast compared to the other surgeries. I'm due to go back in another week or two, but for the most part I was released to do whatever I wanted. Unfortunately it looks like I will probably have to have one or two more surgeries to finish the reconstruction, but they won't be any worse than the one I just had. I am planning on scheduling the next surgery next spring. I've been trying to incorporate exercise back in my life (I can definitely tell a HUGE decrease in my strength and cardiovascular endurance). I've been to spin class a few times and doing some strength exercises at home. I'm really looking forward to getting back out on my bike next spring and I plan on doing a least 2 triathlons next year.
I also met with my oncologist a week after surgery. She started me on Tamoxifen and so far I would say we have a HATE/HATE relationship. The Tamoxifen is a hormone blocker that decreases the cancers ability to thrive on the estrogen in my body. The idea is to suppress the estrogen. Without going into more details than some reader may want, basically it's rocking my female world. Hot flashes accompanied with severe nausea, insomnia, and extreme emotional...I don't even know what you would call it! I just feel down. I'm hoping that this is a transitional phase and in a few months things will get better (otherwise, Lord help us all! It's going to be a LONG 5 years!) I don't have to go back to the oncologist for 2 more months. It's nice to have a break form all the appointments for a change!
As usual, I've been very busy. I hate sitting around the house. Chad and I have been trying to enjoy the beautiful weather while it's still around. The past few weekends we have gone out driving and visited a few wineries.
Just trying to take it one day at a time. I think finding yourself after treament is BY FAR the hardest part. I've definately been doing alot of soul searching.

October 26, 2009

Day 5 post-op. Things are going really well. I'm impressed how much more quickly I have recovered from this surgery. I'm still very tender and sore, but I was able to quit my pain meds Friday early afternoon. My legs are the most sore. I have to be careful not to plop myself into a chair, and I tend to be a bit stiff when I get up. Otherwise my bruising is healing and my scars are flattening out some. I am still having some nausea, but I'm pretty sure that has to due with hormones. I plan on going back to work Wednesday or Thursday, and I don't go back to my plastic surgeon til next Monday.
I had a follow up with my oncologist today. I am cleared for another 3 months, and I start my Tamoxifen tomorrow. She was unable to tell me how this medicine would affect my hormones, since every woman is different, but I am hoping for the best. I'll have to take this medicine for 5 years, which is why Chad and I have to wait to try to conceive.
It's a really weird feeling. I went from following my dreams to a screeching halt. Fighting cancer for 8 months and now I'm tossed back into my "life". In a way I kinda feel lost. I'm trying to find a balance. It would be a lie if I said I don't have to think about cancer anymore. It's always going to be a worry, is it going to come back? I'm reminded daily by the scars that mark my body. I can't just go back to my original plans and life course, if that were the case I should be having a baby about this time. Chad and I have to make a new path for ourselves, reprioritize. Ahh, where to go from here? It's such a scary transition. Alas, I know things will work out, I trust God, but where do I place my next step? I'm ready to move forward. I am cancer FREE!!! What an amazing journey. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I were strong enough to make it through a fight like this, or even imagine the possibility of facing something like this at my age I would have told you you were crazy. If I have learned anything, it is to never underestimate yourself, and NEVER underestimate the Lord. God is good, even amidst our fears and trials. I feel like I've won the battle. Not because I'm cancer free, but because I feel like I've taken more from cancer than cancer has taken from me. I have been blessed beyond measure throughout my journey this year.

October 23, 2009

It's two days after surgery and I have to admit, I was hoping to feel better than I do. Surgery went great, other than waiting forever to go to surgery. I think I was in surgery for about 2 1/2 hours. It took me a little bit to wake up from the anesthesia, but when I did, I was feeling pretty good (obviously sore, but not as bad as I had expected). They had booked me a room to spend the night, but I was able to go home that afternoon around 5pm. I took it easy for the rest of the evening and slept great that night. The next day did not go great. I've been really tired and VERY sore (I have HUGE bruises on my thighs from the fat grafting, and my chest is tight). After one of my naps I nearly passed out and felt very nauseous. That continued into last night and today. Last night at around 5am I woke up and thought I was going to get sick, plus I was in alot of pain. I am still taking my pain meds and even had to take some Zofran for my nausea. Against my better judgement I had my in-laws take me to the grocery store so I could get a few items. I didn't carry anything but I think even the walking was too much.

October 21, 2009

Today is the day. I have to be at the hospital by 9am. No nerves, I feel really good about this one. I know and love my surgeon and my anesthesiologist is a close friend. I'm in good hands. Yea!!!!! This is my last step, I'm sooo ready to be done. Not looking forward to the pain thats gonna come this afternoon.
Anyways, running late, gotta go.
Wish me luck

October 16, 2009

5 days til surgery! Not much is going on. I went to spin class last night and I have definitely paid for it today. I went with the intentions of taking it easy, and ended up pushing myself to my max. Of course, what else would I expect, I'm so competitive. I was nice to know that my cardiovascular system is getting stronger. I've not been having to rapid heart rate like I was during my treatments (told you it was from the chemo). I've been very physical this week, and have noticed some "chemo" back pain. I thought that stage was over, but at least it's getting better and less often. My hair is really starting to come in. I hope to post a pic soon of the progress. Now, if I could just grow some eyebrows, hahaha.
It's not too late to join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" for the ACS Making Strides Walk.

Koman "Walk For The Cure" 2009

October 12, 2009

I guess it's time to start the countdown....9 days til surgery.
I loved the footage from the WHAS 11 interview, I hope to post a link to it soon. Things have been going pretty well. For the most part I'm feeling better, but I'm not 100% yet.
This past Saturday was the Komen Walk For The Cure. It was amazing! Thank you to everyone who supported, donated and walked with me.
Mom and I have another interview this Wednesday on WAVE 3 form 10-11am.

WHAS 11 INTERVIEW

Just wanted to let everyone know that the footage that was taped last month for WHAS 11 will air tonight in the 5:00 news hour. Also, mom and I will be live next Wednesday on WAVE 3 from 10-11. The Todays Woman article is out, you can find copies at Kroger (at the door where they keep Homes and other free publications)

Komen Kick-Off Dinner

October 6, 2009 CANCER FREE

Well, I know everyone is on pins and needles to hear the PET scan results.....I'm CANCER FREE!!!!!!!! Let me just say that again in case you didn't hear me, I'm CANCER FREE!!!!! And very proud of it! I know I'm not done yet, my next surgery is two weeks from tomorrow, but man it feels good. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, what I went through was not easy. I am a SURVIVOR. My mom and I got to celebrate tonight at a kick off dinner for the Komen Race For The Cure. There were over 800 breast cancer survivors at Buckheads on the river, sharing and celebrating life and survivorship. What a great way to end the day, to be surrounded by hope.

Every time the phone rang today my heart would start racing. Finally, I decided that I was going to give myself a heart attack if I didn't just get it over with, so I got online to check my results. Once again, there they were. I printed them off without looking at the screen and stuck them in my pocket. I debated for a moment whether to look or not, then made my friend read them with me in case there was bad news. About an hour or two after reading them I got a call from my surgeon. Even though I knew the results, there was reassurance hearing it from him. He said that I had significant scaring in both arms. More scaring in the right side than he's ever seen, which would explain the interpretation from the radiologist. He said after my next surgery, if the pain and range of motion have not improved I can do physical therapy to improve it.

October 5, 2009

And now we wait.....The tech who did my test said I should hear something on Wednesday. Hopefully the next time I post I'll have some good news. I have to say, I really am at peace with the situation. I have placed it in God's hands.
I wanted to note that I have been feeling alot better this past week. I haven't had any really bad episodes of back pain from the chemo, and my fatigue is improving (I'm sure it will be a while before I'm back to pre-chemo stamina). I am starting to get some fuzz on my head, which is perfect timing, because it's getting chilly here in Louisville. I tried to have Chad take a picture of my fuzz, but his camera skills were HORRIBLE! I hope to get some pictures tomorrow at the kick off dinner for the Komen "Walk For The Cure". I'll try to post those.
Thanks for all the prayers!!! I am blessed with great family and friends!

October 4, 2009

I am ashamed to admit that I have been purposely avoiding the blog for the past week. I've been holding on to some feelings that I didn't want to share. I feel like that makes me a hypocrite, the whole reason I started this blog was to give a real account of life with cancer, to help others who may be dealing with the same feelings or stages that I am going through. With that being said, I feel like I should get a few things off my chest (like the pun? haha). Last week I mentioned that I was having some tenderness in my arm and decreased range of motion, and that I was going to go see my surgeon. Well I have, and things didn't quite go as planned. I assumed that I was developing Lymphedema (swelling in your tissue due to decreased drainage from your lymph system as a result of a lymph node dissection, which can cause irreversible damage), however the doc seemed to blow off that idea and suggested that I get a CT and a bone scan and we'll go from there. I asked him why we were doing those test and he told me, after he paused, that we need to check for recurrence or metastasis. Really!?!....I want the truth, don't get me wrong, but whoa, that is not what I had expected. It never crossed my mind as a possibility, how could I be so naive? After thinking about it, I remember asking my oncologist one day if I would get regular scans after treatment to check for recurrence, and she said no, we usually only do those if your having pain or feel new lumps, or if your labs come back out of range. Ughhhh, I don't even want to entertain the possibility. This was on a Thursday, I had my CT of the chest and bone scan on the next Tuesday. Being that I am terribly impatient on a good day, much less when I am am FREAKING OUT, and that I have access to my reports because of my job in the medical field, I couldn't help but look at my results on the computer. In basic terms, it said that I had a band of scar tissue in my axilla (armpit) and that in the scar tissue there was an irregular focal mass with fingers (NOT good, cancer like characteristic). The tumor could not be ruled out for recurrence or metastasis and that I needed a PET scan. It also said that some of my lymph nodes in my other armpit were enlarged, and that I needed a PET scan for those too. Let me just set up the scene for you...I am sitting at my desk at work, with my best friend looking over my shoulder as I pull up my results. Their there, they've been read. It takes a few seconds for me to talk myself into scrolling down the screen, I'm nervous as hell. The first test is my bone scan, it was normal, phew! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders, its not so hard for me to continue to scroll down to the CT. As I'm scrolling down I'm thinking to myself there sure is alot of writing in this report, usually there isn't that much to dictate....and then BAM! I see the work "irregular". In that second I literally thought that all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out. My heart was racing, and my hands started to shake. I'm floating in my own little world, when I hear my friend ask if I'm okay. "Yeah, I'll be fine" I said. "No, Alicia" she said "you have hives all over you, they look bad". Its not uncommon for me to get red when I am nervous, but this was not redness or even blotchiness, there were huge full out hives! Yes, that's how freaked out I was. I finish reading the report and start to cry. Part of me is crying because I don't want anymore bad news. I just finished my treatment, I want to move on! The other part of me is crying because it feels like a de ja vu from the first time I was diagnosed (I went in thinking it was nothing and felt like I was blindsided with the news), this really could be a reality, and I'm just not ready to accept that. It was a long night talking to my husband and family about the results and the possibilities, but I have to say, I was able to calm down much more quickly this time than when I was first diagnosed in March. I am learning that these things are out of my control, I have to trust God. I got a call from My surgeons office the next day telling me that I needed to be set up for a PET scan sooner than later, and was scheduled for this upcoming Monday. What a whirl wind, in less than a week I go from thinking nothings wrong to a battery of test and emotions to see if my cancers' back.
At this point, I am tired of waiting for everything to be over and putting my life on hold. I went to spin class last week to try and burn some steam, it took everything in me to stay on that bike. My cardiovascular endurance has gone down the drain. When I got home I just laid in bed, my limbs felt too heavy to pick up. However, its not going to get better unless I start pushing myself like that.
On top of my personal roller coaster this week, my husband and I had a very sobering week due to some horrible news from friends. One of Chad's close family friends died unexpectedly last week. A young man Chad's age left behind a wife, a 3 year old son and a grieving family after a tragic accident. I couldn't help be feel humbled and ashamed that I am so worried about my test results when I am so lucky to be alive!
I am a trying to keep my mind busy this week until I get the official word from the PET scan. If I've learned anything, it's that worrying won't get me anywhere, as a matter of fact it just burns through emotions that I could put towards fighting this battle.
I wonder how you ever completely get over the fear of your cancer coming back? I still have 50 good years ahead of me...I'm not read to give those up!
Don't forget that the Susan G Komen walk is next weekend on October 10th at 9 am. You can join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" or make a donation at the website listed under my blog "Breast Cancer Walks". Thanks!!!!

Breast Cancer Walks

Okay, the team name for both walks is "Alicia's Breast Friends"
The Susan G Komen walk is October 10th 9am
online registration: www.Komenlouisville.org
The ACS Making Strides walk is October 25th 1pm
online registration: www.makingstrides.acsevents.org/louisville
When you register, choose join existing team and use the name "Alicia's Breast Friends". It will walk you through all the steps. Donations are welcome.
I am so blessed that so many people have offered to walk with me! I look forward to a great Breast Cancer Awareness month :-)

September 24, 2009

This week has been much better than last week. I am starting to return to normal slowly but surely. For the most part I only have aches and fatigue. My taste is completely back and my bowels are getting back to normal. I haven't had any headaches in a while either. I've been really busy this week going out with friends for dinners and trying to have fun. I met with the Young Survivors last night...I always have a good time with them. It's nice to talk with other young women who are going through the same things you are.
I've had several people ask me if I will have a team for the two breast cancer walks next month. I will register tonight when I finish this blog and post how you can join me in the walk against breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen walk is October 10th and the American Cancer Society walk is October 25th. I am scheduled for surgery October 21st, but I hope to be well enough to walk.
I don't know if anyone has seen it yet or not, but WHAS 11 has been airing the promo that my mother and I filmed the day we did the interview with Rachel Platt. I still haven't received word on when that is going to air, but when I do I will pass it on. If I can figure it out I will try add an attachment of the clip.
For about the past two weeks or so I have noticed a decrease in the range of motion in my right arm (the arm my lymph node dissection was in) and my inner arm and arm pit have been increasingly more tender. I had made a full recovery after surgery so this was a bit concerning to me. I decided to go to my surgeon today to get a professional opinion and he scheduled me for some test to see what could be the cause. Now I just wait.
Tomorrow will one year til Chad and I leave for Italy!!!! I can't hardly wait!

September 16, 2009

I failed to mention in my last post that I had talked to my oncologist office yesterday about the fatigue and extremely painful aches I have in my back, and although I have an answer now, it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear. The best I can describe them would be unlike the aches associated with the flu, but rather a deep ache, like it is in my bones. It's a painful ache. I am in pain, not just achy. Anyways, the oncologist said this is a side effect of the Taxotere chemo, and although it may get worse when I am more fatigued, I would have it anyways. Some patients take pain medications. There have been times I have considered taking them were it not for the fact that I hate medication (isn't that what made me have the pain in the first, not to mention that pain medication = constipation, no fun.) The good news is, as the chemo wears off over the next few weeks the pain will subside, Yay! I also wanted to note that my finger nails have started to fall off. The nail is separating from tissue. It is not painful though, like I expected. I am going to interested to see how many nails actually fully separate and fall off.
Tonight I am looking forward to having dinner with a group of girl friends. I have no plans of slowing down. I'm gonna live it up til surgery time.

September 15, 2009

Well, This last treatment has proven to be a doozie. It just keeps hanging on. I have been so fatigued and achy since last Wednesday. I'm inclined to think I am still hanging on to a cold, but who knows. I have made it a point to not be held down the past few days. This weekend was the Old Kentucky Home Tour with the Louisville Bicycle Club. Over a thousand riders rode from Tom Sawyer Park to Bardstown, KY. I have done this ride several times in the past years, but this time I was a spectator. I went to Bardstown to hang out with some friends on Saturday then on Sunday I volunteered my time, and it was worth it. I guess it was second best to actually being in the ride. Sunday was also Chad and my 6th wedding anniversary. I have my taste back for the most part, so we decided to go to Mitchell's Fish Market for dinner. That's one of my favorite places, we enjoyed a very nice evening together. I feel so blessed that I have Chad in my life. I can't imagine going through the past year alone. It has been almost two weeks since my last treatment. I definitely don't feel great, but I'm getting there. I hope in two more weeks I will be starting to feel back to normal and able to get back to exercising. I am in desperate need of some cardio rehab. I think that is part of the reason I have had such a rapid heart rate and so many palpitations through chemo. I still haven't decided on a team name for the Komen Breast Cancer walk yet, however, I plan to register in the next day or two. I am impressed to see how many friends want to walk with me, thanks everyone!

September 10, 2009

I had a rough weekend. Another holiday weekend down the drain due to chemo. I spent the whole weekend laying in bed or on the sofa. I didn't have as severe nausea this time, just the general malaise and aches. The energy is literally zapped from me. My taste feels like it was even worse this time around. Sometimes just thinking about a certain type of food made my stomach turn. I guess that must be what it's like to be pregnant.
Tuesday was a slow day at work. I was able to sit down most of the day and do my work from my desk. I worked almost 6 hours, and for the most part I was doing okay, but decided to go to the grocery store on the way home...I just can't leave well enough alone...I always gotta do just a little more. By the time I left the store I was hurting and in pain, and had a very upset stomach. However I got some great deals on meat, lol. Anything to save a dollar these days (since I feel like I'm never working).
Wednesday I had to be at work early, and I did not sleep a wink the night before! I didn't fall asleep til 2, and from 2-6 I saw my clock way too many times to constitute good sleep. I did okay most of the morning, other than lots of trips to the bathroom. I was on my feet all morning and about 12:30 I crashed. The back pain and fatigue hit so fast, I felt worse than I had since the past chemo weekend. I knew I had to go home, there was no way around it, if I stayed a minute more I would have had a break down right there in the nurses station. I could barely sit in my car on the way home and went straight to bed. I couldn't even fall asleep I hurt so bad. I ached in a way I can't describe, like it was in my bones (an ache so bad it causes severe pain), I was short of breath (they say that happens because my counts get low, which if that is the case, there dropping early), I had a severe headache, my right arm got tight (the muscles where they did the lymphnode discection still get tight and limit my range of motion if I get too fatigued and when my counts drop), drainage, congestion, my stomach hurt...you get the point. Finally after about 45 minutes of laying there on my heating pad I finally fell asleep. When I woke up three hours later, I felt worse than when I layed down, which is very unusual for me. Against my better judgement I decided to go to my bible study anyways. It was the first night of the study and I knew I would be missing the next two weeks. I could barely make it out the door, and the whole way there I was nearly in tears thinking "what am I doing?!" I just wanna go home and go to bed. After a couple of hours I was more than ready to head home and get back into my bed again. This time I thought I would take a sleeping pill so that I didn't repeat the night before. Yeah, not so much...I STILL laid there wide awake for hours trying to fall asleep, feeling miserable. Needless to say, I did not go to work today. I'm a little bit bummed that I fell into the trap that I warned myself about. I was so ready to be done with chemo and start my life back full swing that I forgot that I still had to recover from this last treatment. Things can still go wrong, I can still get sick. I am sick of feeling sick, tired of being slowed down. Like all of my coping energies have been used up, and now I just wanna sit here and pout til I feel good. So I allow myself to sit here and have a moment, and I get mad at myself for not having a good attitude, so I give myself little pep talk and get back on the ride, smile on my face. Did I mention that my hormones have been a little out of control lately? Definitely! I go tomorrow to get my labs checked, I am interested to see what they are. So, I guess I'll sit here on the couch and waste another day away (I hate couch potatoes!).

My Last Chemo Treatment

Sepember 5, 2009

YAY!!!!! Its official, I had my last chemo treatment Thursday! I wasn't looking forward to it, especially since my last treatment gave me such a wicked beat down, but on the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to be done with this stage. It's two days after my treatment and so far I'm doing okay. I will be soooooo glad when I get my taste back. I think it's been one of the most annoying things I've had to put up with. It makes my mouth feel funny, nothing taste like what you want or expect, and it can make you nauseous (I do feel lucky that I didn't get sores in my mouth, I guess it can always be worse). I don't feel completely nauseous, rather "icky", if that makes since. The pain in my throat and neck haven't hit yet, but I'm sure it's a matter of time, since I've had it every treatment. I plan on laying low this weekend and taking it easy.
After my treatment was over the whole oncology staff came in my room with party horns and confetti and presented me with a certificate of completion of my chemo. Plus they had a chocolate cake...YUM! I've been so happy with my doctors and nurses at Louisville Oncology, they really go above and beyond, and you can tell they really care. During my check up before chemo my oncologist was telling me that if my ovaries are going to wake up, we should know while I'm on the hormone therapy. Let's keep our fingers crossed, I would love for Chad and I to get pregnant on our own (rather that having to implant the embryos, which means more hormones).
I also scheduled my next reconstruction surgery for October 21st. I feel like it's the last piece if the journey. I'm actually looking forward to something, it's a good feeling. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I started this journey 7 months ago, and in that time I have experienced so many emotions, and have grown so much. There's still a long road ahead of me, but I've definitely built confidence faith in myself and I know I can overcome any obstacle.

Fairfield Glade, TN.

August 31, 2009

Today's weather was beautiful! It's making me excited about fall, which is right around the corner. Ahh, my favorite time of the year.
I enjoyed my vacation to Tennessee with my parents, but I'm glad to be home. Monday turned out to be a really nice day. We took a cruise on the lake (a wine and cheese cruise), then ate a picnic dinner while listening to a live bluegrass band. It was a beautiful night, the weather was perfect. I must admit, the drive home on Tuesday was tough, and for most of the drive I wasn't feeling very good. My back was killing me (what's new) and I was really fatigued. I think Tuesday night in my own bed must have been the best nights sleep in weeks. As far as I can remember the rest of the week at work was fairly uneventful, other than I was always tired. This weekend I really pushed myself to my limits, dumb no doubt, but worth it. Friday my best friend and I went to dinner at Morton's Steakhouse (yummy) for her birthday, then went to a drag show, it was such a blast. We stayed out til......drum roll please....2am. I'm pretty sure that sounds lame for someone my age, but I had been up since 6:30 am and although it may be hard to feel sorry for me since I'm out on the town, chemo has really beat me down. Saturday I was up early again to work, then out to lunch with a group of Chad and my best friends! After lunch we all went out to a winery and enjoyed the day tasting wine out in the vineyard and laughing (laughter really is the best medicine). We ended the day with the family celebrating my mothers birthday at dinner. It was so much fun watching my nephews climbing all over Chad and sitting in his lap playing games on his iPhone. (I just wanted to make a note that wanting children and choosing to wait holds entirely different emotions than wanting children and being unable to have them. I experienced this for the first time this week. It hurts deep, and I can only pray that the feelings get easier rather than stronger). Again, I was sooo ready for bed, and slept like a baby. Sunday was spent laying around and running a few errands. Which leads us to today. Things have a slightly different twist today. Chad is the one who's sick. He has a 101.5 degree temp and feels achy, congestion, general malaise, etc. I think he has the flu, I'm gonna test him tomorrow to make sure. Either way, I'm staying away from him. After getting the flu before my last treatment (and it being the worse one so far) I'm not taking any chances. He looked so miserable wrapped up in that chair. I think it made him realize how miserable I feel after my treatments, cause he looked at me so sincere and told me he loved me.
So, this week is my LAST treatment!!!!!! I must say...part of me is so excited and relieved. I'm ready to get this shit over with and move on. But I must admit, part of me is so worn out and sick of the way it makes me feel that even though it's my last one, I'm dreading it. It's had a cumulative effect (where each one intensifies) and this past treatment really had me down both physically and emotionally. I think I've shared that chemo has put me into menopause (not something a 27 year old is really happy to announce) and among the obvious symptoms, there's the mood swings. I don't really think I've had a problem with mood swings (Chad disagrees, but I think more than anything, he's just tired of me complaining about how I don't feel good all the time), but here recently, the past few days, I've really been emotional. I tear up at the most unexplainable times. Lets hope that things can get back to "normal" when chemo is over, however I have my reservations about these hormone pills I'm going to be taking. This could turn out to be a six year long nightmare.
Hey, does anyone have any suggestions for a team name for the Susan G. Komen walk in October. I'm wanting to put together a team and was wanting something catchy. Unfortunately my brain has been less than useful recently.

August 23, 2009

Well I must say, this last chemo has NOT been very nice to me. I am still feeling the effects and its been a week and a half. I still get nausea periodically, and the fatigue and aches have been insane! I am still having the rapid heart rate and for the past few weeks I have developed peripheral neuropathy in my feet and they have been killing me with a burning pain. Needless to say I am still having the GI issues as well.
Lets see if I can remember where I left off in the last blog...
The WHAS interview went great, although I felt horrible that morning. They were there for about 2 hours interviewing my mother and I. It will probably air late next month or in October for breast cancer awareness month (they said they will notify us with the air date).
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty rough days at work, I don't think I was ready to come back yet. Last Thursday I got to sleep in (which was much needed!) then went to the hospital for a massage. I worked for 6 hours then met a friend for coffee. By the time I made it home I was miserable and went to bed early (with my heating pad for my back pain). Friday morning I had to get my labs drawn, which were VERY low (which would explain my persistent fatigue, aches, shortness of breath and other fun side effects) and was forbidden to work up patients or to swim in the lake/pool in TN. Then I went to work for about 6 hours (working up patients...against doctors orders). After work I went to On The Border with the office for dinner and drinks, I should have said no since I was already feeling beyond worn out, but nooooo. I ended up dragging myself to my car and crying the whole way home from EXTREME fatigue (not a "boohoo I have cancer, poor me" kinda cry, but a "I don't know if I'm gonna make it home cause I'm in so much pain , WHY did I do so much today " kinda cry). I walked straight from the car to the bed and went to sleep at 7pm on my heating pad.
Saturday my parents and I left for Fairfield Glade Tennessee (a mini vacation) which is literally in the middle of NO WHERE. It was a 5 hour drive and by the time we got there I was already worn out for the day! Today we drove a hour to Rugby, TN. to see a 18th century town which has the countries oldest library (and that's pretty much all they have, ha, ha). On the way home we stopped at a winery and did a tasting (I love wine) so the day wasn't a complete loss...just kidding. Now I'm kicked back and recouperating from the day (I fit in just fine in the old folks community, LOL). The mountains and country is beautiful, and although I joke about having nothing to do, I am taking advantage of relaxing and spending some quality time with my parents.

August 17, 2009

So, I made it through the weekend. Only one more round to go. I scheduled today off work since my last treatment was so rough, and I'm glad I did. Although I feel better than I did yesterday, I woke up nauseous. When I opened my eyes this morning I was impressed at how well I felt, then I rolled over to go to the bathroom room and wham! So, I'm taking it easy again today. If there is one thing I hate, it's sitting around...it's killing me. I want to get out of the house and do things, be productive. I'm not a T.V. or movie fan. Yesterday, my in-laws had some family over for dinner and to swim and I felt so bad all I could do was lay on the sofa. I haven't been in the pool all year. My little Murph Man needs to swim (our dog loves to swim in our in-laws pool)!
Chad is in training for the next two weeks so he'll be home in the evenings, which will be a nice change. I feel like I haven't seen him in forever. Poor guy, I feel like I'm taking my frustrations out on him. On one hand, I'm glad he's not an enabler. For the most part I have been strong in my journey and haven't felt sorry for myself. Chad is the same way, we don't give cancer the time of day. Not that we're ignoring it, but we feel that there are more important things, and cancer is not going to define us. We don't sit around and talk about it. Really, besides the times I'm too sick to do anything, we just live our lives like I don't have cancer. But then there are times I wish he were more sensitive to the situation. I know it could be self loathing, but every now and then I wannna know that he's scared to lose me and sit on the coach and hold me tight. Neither one of us are criers, but I wanna take the time to hold each other a second longer than we normally would, because in a way, we have overcome great odds (you know, in appreciation, reflection, grattitude for each other during this time). You can't just play around with cancer, granted, treatment has come a long way. I've found that I get more emotional when I don't feel good...can you tell? Either way, I think we're both ready to be done with this stage.
Tomorrow WHAS comes to interview my mother and I. My house is a disaster! Needless to say, I haven't really felt like cleaning the past few months, and what husband wants to clean (he's been so busy with work and football)? We were able to hang the picture from the "Boobie Bon Voyage" this weekend, thanks to my Dad. It looks great. Everytime I look at it, it reminds me of ALL the support we have. It's amazing to think about!
Even when I feel bad and sorry for myself, it only takes a few seconds of reflection to remind myself I am truly blessed!

August 15, 2009

Well, another week in the books. I hate wishing time away, but I'm ready for a new chapter in my life. This past Monday I worked 10 hours, yup, you heard me! So much for slowing down this week and trying to rest my worn out body. You would think that since I worked so hard that I would sleep like a rock, but this week had some other surprises up its sleeve. Monday night I tossed all night. My neck was stiff and I was achy. I even got up in the middle of the night to switch out my pillow because I thought I was sleeping wrong. When I got to work Tuesday I felt more run down than normal and was still very achy (more so than my normal pain and aches I've been having with chemo). I would have never thought to swab myself for the flu, except that one of the girls I work with tested positive the day before. So, I swabbed myself and sure enough...I HAVE THE FLU.....IN AUGUST!!! What's up with that. It's one thing to have the flu, but it's summer, it's unnatural to have the flu this time of year, and may I say very inconvenient to have the flu while your trying to survive chemo. Work sent me home and I laided around all day Tuesday and Wednesday (much needed rest!). I must say that if your gonna get the flu, this may be the year to get it. It was quite mild as far as the flu goes, however it isn't fun when your already run down from chemo and didn't feel good in the first place.
Thursday was chemo day. Let me tell you, it took alot of sweet talking to get my treatment this week since I have the flu, but my counts were acceptable so they let me proceed with much caution. Who would of thought I would be begging to get my chemo!!! There were a few reasons behind my madness. One of which is that my mother and I were contacted my WHAS and Rachel Platt to do a story about our family and cancer. They wanted to video me getting chemo this week as part of the piece (they are going to finish shooting at my house on Tuesday). Plus next weekend my parents are taking me to Tennessee for a short vacation at a lake, and I knew if I got chemo next week it would have ruined those plans. I'm ready for a break :-)
My chemo symptoms are different yet again this time around. Last week I saw my gastroenterologist for a follow up and told him about my awful sore throat that I get after my treatments. He gave me a script for Carafate solution and so far it has helped. Only problems is, now I have overwhelming nausea this time. I've already had to break out the Zofran. Other than the nausea, taste, headache and fatigue this time is going pretty well, but I hate to speak too soon. ONLY ONE MORE TO GO!!!
The only other thing worth noting about my treatment is that I've had a rapid heartrate for the past 3 weeks. Every time I check it, it ranges from 100-130 beats a minute. It is starting to wear me out and from time to time I get a little short of breath. So far we haven't been able to put our finger on why it's so fast, but we have been able to rule out some of the more serious causes, so that makes me happy.

August 9, 2009

I wish I could say that I haven't written this past week because I was having too much fun, but that is not the case. This past week I have worked 40 hours, most of which was on my feet. I am beyond tired! I would come home from work in so much pain that I wanted to cry, and go straight to bed. My fatigue is so bad that my entire body aches by the afternoon. At least I am sleeping good, however it seems that's all I want to do! My weekend has flown by, but Chad and I did go out on Saturday with some friends to dinner and a comedy show at the Improv. I'm trying to gear myself up for this coming week, but I'm seriously lacking motivation. I have to be at work at 7 am tomorrow (I am NOT a morning person), and I'm expecting long hours on my feet again. Plus, Thursday is chemo and expansion day, which means a long and miserable weekend. I can't wait til I'm done!
On a happier note, I was approached by a patient at work who asked if his son, who's doing a three day bike ride in Texas, could name his team after me (Team Alicia). Of course I said yes, but it is humbling. Needless to say, cycling is a passion of mine :-) God has a way of providing! It feels like every time I am starting to feel alone in my journey, or I'm down in the dumps, I am reminded of the tremendous support I have. I am so blessed to have so many family and friends encouraging me.
So, here's to a crappy week. I'd hate to lose my smile now, only two more treatments to go. Lets hope that mind over matter wins! I think I can, I think I can...

August 1, 2009

This weekend has been a good one. Friday my mother took my sister and I to a spa in Bardstown, KY. for some pampering and lunch. It was such a nice day, I love my family! Afterwards My friend and I went back to the wig shop to find another wig. I got a wavy blond one this time (I must admit, it's kinda fun, and addicting).
As you all know, I am a triathlete and love to cycle. This morning I went to the Tom Sawyer Triathlon to support my friends competing (I couldn't race this year due to everything going on) and there was a biker killer by a hit and run drink driver while on the course. They canceled the race mid way through. What a tragic morning! My heart goes out to the family who unexpectedly lost their loved one. I can't help but feel like this one hit close to home. I cycle that route often (and have done that triathlon multiple times) and I realize that none of us know the direction of our lives, and how they will end. PLEASE WATCH FOR CYCLIST ON THE ROAD!!!
I have been feeling pretty good. I've been a little more tired lately, but I've been running non-stop this week. I still have the odd taste and an upset stomach, but I definitely feel like I've made a HUGE improvement since last weekend.
I am posting a photo taken from the photo shoot my mother and I did (it's just a personal photo, not one of the magazine's shots). The hair in the photo is probably my favorite wig.

July 29, 2009

Today was a good day. I worked a full day, came home, made dinner, did some laundry, and took a walk. It was a beautiful night to walk and I enjoyed getting out of the house (it's just nice to feel good enough to want to go on a walk).
The Assistant Editor for the Today's Woman magazine had asked all the women participating in the shoot tomorrow to gather some words that they feel represent how we feel at this moment in our lives and as survivors and e-mail them to her. I wanted to share mine with you:
BLESSED (my blessings have far out weighed the negative impact of my diagnosis)
EMPOWERED (cancer has given me the opportunity to prove to myself that I can accomplish things that I felt were unobtainable as an individual)
BEAUTIFUL (cancer has helped me embrace my inner beauty, and appreciate my outer beauty)
LOVED (people always wonder who would come to their funerals, I am blessed to know who my true friends and supporters are when I need them most!)
HOPEFUL, OPTIMISTIC (the ability to see past the present and know that God will provide)
CONNECTED (due to and since my diagnosis, I have made true friends for life! Relationships that carry true understanding and support)
STRONG (I AM STRONGER THAN THIS, AND I WILL BEAT IT!)

July 28, 2009

Yay me! I made it to work today and worked 6 1/2 hours. I did have to take a little nap half way through the day, but I'm still proud. I was concerned this morning when I was taking my shower and nearly passed out (thank God for our shower stall, if it were a shower curtain, I would have been on the floor), but after lunch I started to feel somewhat better. My 'better' now days would usually be a bad day in my pre-cancer life, but compared to how I felt since my last chemo, I think this is great! I'll take it. Mom and I go for our photo shoot on Thursday for "Today's Woman". I'm starting to get excited, I have no idea what to expect.
Well I still haven't really gotten my taste back yet, but things are going down alot easier than they were the past few days, which is a good sign. I was afraid that since this treatment was so much worse, that I wouldn't get to bounce back. I'm sure I'm not going to be going at my normal 110%, but as long as I'm not stuck in bed I'm happy. My husband and I have a beautiful home, but I'm getting tired of being stuck in it, LOL.
So yesterday I tried to make it to work without success, I spent most of the day in bed or in the recliner. My wonderful mother came by to take me to the grocery store (we really had NO food, no bread, no soup, nothing!) and I only had to sit down once. I feel so much more winded this time around,but even since this afternoon I can see some improvement in that too.
I've been throwing around the idea of getting a team together for one of the Breast Cancer Races this October. If you are interested let me know.
Well off to do some long over due laundry and dishes....it's a shame that they don't just do themselves when you don't feel good.

July 26, 2009

I have to say that this time really kicked my butt! I've pretty much been sleeping since I got my chemo. I can't fight this fatigue. I've been nauseous too, but I've not taken many Zofran. I'm trying to see how bad it gets without meds. I don't feel like I need to run for a trashcan, but I don't feel great...kinda queezie I guess you could say. My taste is messed up again, but I haven't had the sore throat like I did the first few rounds. This expansion has hurt worse than normal too. When we were in the office to see Dr. Thornton he has told us (Chad and I) that if he were to take an X-ray of my chest before the expanders and now that you could see that my ribs were being bended into my chest. Hmmmm, well thats kinda what it feels like. Theres not much room left in there. I have to be honest, yesterday got to me a bit. It was the first time in a long time I felt sorry for myself. As I was getting into the shower I threw myself a 30 second pity party and then reminded myself that this is temporary! I wiped the tears and moved on with my day. I think not feeling well brings it out of us. I don't really think it was about feeling sorry for myself, but more that I didn't feel good, and I'm ready to get back to a cancer free life. Either way, I still have two more rounds to go, and I know that I am strong enough to make it, geezzz, I made it this far didn't I?

July 24, 2009

I had chemo yesterday, and all things considered it went pretty well. I didn't have a reaction this time, and we were able to leave by 2pm. I also saw the plastic surgeon yesterday to get expanded. I got to see Dr. Thornton this time which really helped put me at ease after how the last appointment went with his assistant. Everything is looking good, and I hope to only have one more expansion. Today my chest hurts, but I expected that, and it's not unbearable. Yesterday during chemo I fell asleep, and the when we came home I took another nap! The fatigue is really getting to me. Today I have the luxury of working from home, which is a good thing, because I don't think I would have been able to make it very long at work today. After hours of typing I'm ready to go take my afternoon nap. Chad and I have plans to go out to dinner tonight. Unfortunately my taste has already changed this round so chances of me enjoying my dinner are slim, oh well, small price to pay. I am officially on the downward count. Four down two to go!! I was thinking the other day how thankful I am that I am going through treatment in summertime rather that winter. I already get the winter blues as it is, and the nice weather of summer really helps keep my spirits lifted.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (imagine that, haha), while I was at chemo a woman from the ACS come to speak to me about their different resources and asked if I would be interested in speaking and volunteering for the Making Strides against breast cancer walk in October. Of course I said yes! While I was telling my mother about the news she told me that another group asked if we would be interested in interviewing with Rachel Platt, the new anchor, and doing another piece in some publication/magazine. God works in mysterious ways. I am thankful for these opportunities to share my mothers and my story as well spreading awareness for important issues that young cancer patients face.

July 21, 2009

Agh, Marla you were right...it has been a while since I've written. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. I'm having a conflict of interest. I want to journal daily, but I also like to stay busy (which also helps keep my mind off the fact that I don't feel good). I guess I'll compromise and be happy with the fact I blog every few days. Anyways, I been doing alright. I've still have some wicked bad back pain and the fatigue hasn't gotten much better. By mid day I am beat. So now I'm just trying to get myself geared up for chemo on Thursday. I'm getting expanded that morning rather than the day before, and I must admit that I'm looking forward to that. I didn't get to be expanded last time due to the infection. Visible changes make me feel like were making progress, I know, it's a mental thing. Speaking of the infection, I would like to make a note that it did not "magically" resolve itself overnight like the nurse suggested. I am still waiting for the scab to fall off. Although chemo hasn't been a bed of roses, I must admit it has gone better than I'd expected. I had prepared myself for the worse, so anything better than that seems like it can't be that bad. Ugh, the idea of having two and a half more month of this wears me out. I may not be singing this song by then, but then again, expect the worse, hope for the best. Oh, speaking of roses! My wonderful husband brought home roses for me this morning. He really has been so supportive and loving since, well, since always...I guess that's why I married him. :-)

July 16, 2009

Well, here it is again, another late night and I'm not in bed yet. I have never been a night owl, until I started chemo. I still am not sleeping well at night, and refuse to take a sleeping pill all the time. I like to save those for when I am on the steroids, which makes for an even less pleasant nights sleep.
I have seemed to over estimate my immunity to chemo. This week has kicked my butt! I have been doing more manual work at work and I am paying for it. For the past week I have been working up patients which requires being on your feet all day, bending over alot, as well as raising your arms over your head countless times. The past two days my back has hurt so bad! If it weren't for those handy-dandy heat wraps I think I would have been crying in an emergency room bed begging for muscle relaxers and pain medicine. I have complained about this back pain before in my post, but I think the fact that I am so fatigued from work makes it so much worse. On top of the fatigue my mouth has been more sore than usual at this point in a cycle and I have been nauseous. I wake up energized and ready for the day and by lunch time I can barely keep my eyes open. I think this is where my body is telling me to SLOW DOWN AND REST, but I refuse and try to keep up with my pre-chemo routine, which includes running at 110% from dawn til dusk. One week from today I will get treatment number four, one treatment closer to the end!
I was contacted today by a local publication "Today's Woman" asking my mother and I to pose as models for a photo shoot they will be publishing in an October issue. I must say I am flattered. I hope this will provide an opportunity to increase awareness for my platforms.
Everyday I am touched to see so many people showing support for me with words of encouragement or by wearing their pink ribbon pins. Thank you so much to everyone, it does not go unnoticed.

July 13, 2009

Just livin' the dream...not much to report. I've been feeling good for the past several days. I was even thinking about going to spin class this Thursday, horray! No, I have not forgot about the wig pictures, I will post them, just give me time. I'm really slow when it comes to the computer, thanks for hanging in there with me. Speaking of pictures, I want to get a picture of Chad and my bald heads to hang next to the picture of my chest from the "Boobie Bon Voyage" party. Oh, I don't know if I mentioned my labs from last week...of course they were low. My granulcytes were half of what they should be. Hey, I haven't been getting sick, so I'm not complaining. Anyways, using my time to enjoy myself, the weather has been great.

July 9, 2009

I can't believe that it has been 3 months since my surgery (4/7/09). It feels like this has been going on for much longer. The wound from the infected stitch is healing, its still open, but it looks much better. I figured it would take longer being that I'm in chemo and my counts go up and down. Speaking of counts, I go tomorrow to get my blood counts checked, I'll let you know how they are. As far as my symptoms go, I can't say this time was worse (it definitely wasn't better), it was just different. My nausea kicked in Friday morning and the medicine I had to use (because insurance won't cover my Zofran for another week) made me tired, I think it was called Anzamet. Sunday and Monday were my worst days,though I still worked on Monday for a half a day. I experienced much worse body aches and pain this time. I expected to feel bad, but I didn't expect to hurt so bad. My head, neck, and trunk hurt to touch or move them, I had a headache, more nausea than before and I was fatigued. I use the word fatigued because it is not the same thing as tired. No, tired means you sleep.....fatigue means your body is exhausted but you can't sleep, big difference. And since I'm stubborn and don't like to take more medicine than necessary, I refused to take Ambien, thinking surely I'll fall asleep soon. I still haven't been sleeping great since my last treatment. One of the things that was better this time around was my sore throat and taste buds. Don't get me wrong, I did lose my taste, and of course my throat hurt, but not like before. I used Pepcid AC religiously twice a day with my Zegerid (a PPI) and I think it paid off. Either way, I'm gonna try it again next time to be safe.
I'm not sure if I mentioned that while my mother and I were at the "Look Good, Feel Better" class last week they asked if she and I would be interested in sharing our story (being so rare that we were diagnosed within a year of each other with the same cancer, so far apart in age). Well, I talked to a women from the ACS today and they interviewed my mother and I over the phone, and are interested in doing a piece in the media. I'm not big on being in the spot light,but I feel like this is an opportunity to advocate for young women diagnosed with cancer (who have not had a chance to start a family yet) and speak out on fertility issues and financial resources. To be able to give something so resourceful from something that is viewed to be so destructive seems like I'm cheating the system. I feel more powerful since my diagnosis, stronger and more at peace. Not necessarily changed, but more in control of my life, able to see more in front of my feet than before (and that wasn't a reference to my surgery, hahahaha). I feel like I should say thank you, not that I would ever wish cancer on anyone else or even chose my diagnosis if I were given the option, for the path this journey has lead me on.
I've been doing something pretty fun this week....planning an amazing trip to Europe! Chad insisted that he was going to take me on a post-cancer vacation, so I insisted that we go to Europe (Chad prefers Caribbean vacations, I prefer European vacations, he always wins) since this was probably going to be my only chance to do my dream vacation. Believe it or not, its a really hard decision on where to go. I think I've chosen Italy over Ireland and Scotland. He was right though (hear that babe, you were right!), it is nice having something to look forward to.
Well, I'm off to bed, hopefully gonna get some sleep tonight.

July 4, 2009

YEA!!!!!!! I'm half way done with chemo!!!!! Thursday was my third chemo treatment. I decided to give Chad a break this time. He's been so supportive and has gone to the other treatments and appointments even though he works nights and is usually tired as a dog. So this time I asked my friend Cristy to go with me so he could sleep. It was really nice having her there, thanks Cristy! Not only did we talk and have a good time, she didn't fall asleep, LOL!
So I guess everyone wants to know if I had another reaction...not really. I started to, but they caught it in time and were able to advert it (only my face got red and started to tingle).
My chemo symptoms hit a little quicker this time around, when I got up Friday morning I was already nauseous (I was already off Friday due to the Fourth of July holiday) so I laid in bed til about 10am. I tried to run some errands and then spent some time with my sister and the kids. Even when you don't feel good, family always makes you smile!
So, today is July 4th. Thankfully my neighbors are having a little get together in the court so I don't have to go anywhere today and can come in to relax whenever I need. I plan on taking it easy today. Tomorrow I am planning on going to Cincinnati to visit Chad's aunt and uncle who are having a Fourth of July/birthday party. I hope I feel good for the trip, there is nothing worse than being away from home and feeling sick.
Sorry this was such a lame blog, I'm a little tired and nauseous, I think it is nap time.
(Oh, and I haven't forgot about the wig pictures, maybe I'll try to get those together this afernoon)

Did I not just say in my last blog "If I've learned anything through this process, it not to get your hopes up...everything changes." Well, lesson learned. Yesterday (Wednesday) I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon to be expanded. That morning when I got up I had an infection in my incision on my left breast. A couple of months ago an internal suture did not dissolve and erupted through the skin, leaving an open wound. I told Dr. Thornton's nurse about this and she said that "Oh, normally we would pull them out, but because it's in your incision I'm gonna leave it alone". Not the right answer. I have been back several times since then for expansions and she examines my chest every time. Therefore I know she knows it was not going away. Anyways, back to yesterday. When I woke up the open wound around the stitch was red and swollen, I could tell that the incision next to it was stretching from pressure built up from the pus. There was no head on it so I got in the shower. When I turned off the water and went to dry off I noticed that it looked like there was a scab covering it, I went to feel it to see if it was hard of soft and it burst under my finger. It drained quite a bit of pus, I turned the water back on and cleaned it off well, then covered it up. Good thing I already have an appointment with the surgeon today. When I saw the nurse I told her what had happened, and she told me that it was no big deal, if the pus came out already it should be healed by tomorrow. I told her I didn't feel comfortable expanding today with the infection and would like to hold off. She had the audacity to make me feel like I was a overreacting for not wanting to be expanded. "Well, we can fill you if you'd like, BUT IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE we can hold off. Well good for you bitch, your not the one who is at risk of loosing a breast. In case you forgot, I have chemo tomorrow-you know those drugs that lower your immune system and drop your WBC. Oh, and by the way, I have no tissue covering these expanders, so if the infection doesn't magically go away over night and spreads, they may have to take the expander out. Sorry, but I'm not so cool with that! I've got plenty of surgeries to deal with assuming thing go as planned. Maybe it's just me, but when I do the math, it just doesn't add up. Open wound around a stitch for two months, infection, cover with band-aid and magically the next day infection is gone, stitch dissolves itself and the hole closes! WTF!!! Okay, I realize I'm JUST a paramedic, but it would make since to me to eliminate some of the factors here, for starters, how about you finally take that nasty suture out that has been soaked in pus that you should have taken out two months ago. Anyways, she tells me to get dressed and I can reschedule before my next chemo treatment (3 weeks away). I get dresses, even though I am PISSED and got NOTHING resolved and was walking out the door when Dr. Digenis (Dr. Thornton's partner) came in and introduced himself. He asked if he could see the wound, so I showed it to him and he said it looked like it needed to be addressed further (Duh, I knew that!!! Next time relay that to your nurse!) He asked me to lay down and he dug around to pull out the suture that was still there. He was concerned that with out opening the hole a little bigger it would not be able to continue to drain properly, so the took some scissors and opened the hole wider. He also packed it with iodoform gauze, to help it wick the drainage. He told me I could pull the wick that night, but to keep it clean and follow up with my oncologist tomorrow. He was so nice. Thank God for that. This wasn't the first time I've had a problem with that nurse, from now on, I'm only going to see the doctor! Anyways that night I pulled the wick and it was looking better, now we just have to keep it clean and wait for it to close.
Tomorrows chemo.

June 30, 2009

Well, I have to say that mentally I am ready for chemo this week. I'm ready to get this show on the road. After this treatment I will be half way through. However, I think my body is protesting (which I think is weird, since it didn't share that sentiment with my psyche). I've been really tired and I have had the worst back pain today right below my shoulder blades. I've had this pain before, but not this bad. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the expansion process, but what do you do? I wanna have boobs, so I guess you suck it up. The concerning pain is in my trunk. Under my right breast down to where my rib cage ends is sooooo terribly tender I can't stand it. Even to stretch hurts (pressing the tissue against my ribs), this too I think may be attributed to the expansion process, but I will ask tomorrow. Yep, getting pumped up tomorrow. This hasn't really been a issue in the past, so I don't expect to have any pain or problems (usually just a little muscle tightness). We'll see how things look (buy things I mean breast), but I should only have one more expansion after tomorrow. If I've learned anything through this process, it's not to get your hopes up...everything is subject to change.
Yesterday was a great day! Mom and I had the "Look Good, Feel Better" class. It was nice. There was only one other lady there with us (she had small cell lung cancer). The whole time was spent on doing our make-up. We each received a make-up bag FULL of make-up. Brands like Chanel, Este Lauder, Aveda, Bobby Brown, Clinque, Mac and more. They value each bag over $300 dollars. I'm pretty sure I've never spent that amount of money on make-up in my whole life, hahaha. Anyways, after the class we did a little bit of shopping, and had lunch. I love my mother, and I'm so glad that we are so close and can enjoy spending time together.
It just occurred to me that today was my Monday, and tomorrow will be my Friday, not too bad, huh?
Now if I can just remember some quarters for the meters tomorrow, gets me every time! :-)

June 28, 2009

I've had a great weekend. Friday after work I went wig shopping. It really was fun trying all of them on, seeing what I looked like with all the different hair do's. I decided on on a longer style with some loose curls and swooped bangs. I like it alot, it makes me feel good about myself, and the warm reddish brown gives my face some much needed color. I was thinking about taking some photos of my different wigs and posting them on the blog. That way you guys can check them out and vote for your favorite ones. Speaking of hair, as you know I shaved my head about a month ago. I have a some very short stubble left that I thought was weird, I would have thought that it would fall out too. I figured it had something to do with it being so short (who knows, my theories are usually wrong anyways). At any rate, the stubble is no longer going to be a problem. Last night while I was showering, I rinsed out my rag after washing my head (you can do that when you don't have long hair, saves time AND money on shampoo, haha) and it was covered with stubble. I still have some stubble, but now its patchy, PLUS I still have that stupid rash on my head and neck! I am surprised how long the whole hair loss process has taken. I still haven't lost my eyebrows or eyelashes yet. They seem to be falling out, just very slowly. Even still, being bald has been soooooo easy. Showering is faster, getting ready is faster, it's cooler on these HOT summer days, plus you can wear a wig to fit whatever mood your in.
Yesterday I went to Huber's Winery. I love that place, if you can't tell by how often I go. We picked some berries (I love fresh produce), and ate lunch while a band played. We sat there drinking our sangria's enjoying the day. I feel so blessed to have great friends.
I'm looking forward to next week too, even though it's my chemo week. I'll only have a two day work week. I have Monday off work so Mom and I can go to a "Look Good, Feel Better" class. They give us tips on how to hide the side effects of chemo and give us makeovers to help us feel better about ourselves during our treatments. Mom gets to go too because she just finished her chemo treatments in January and is still considered "in treatment" (even though she is now in remission, a survivor!). I think it's going to be fun, were going to go to lunch first and make it a girls day, plus it's Margarita Monday. Work Tuesday and Wednesday (doctor's appointment Wednesday with the plastic surgeon for an expansion) off Thursday for chemo, then off Friday for the fourth of July weekend. Plus I have two long weekends to flank the short work week, pretty sweet!
Chads off tonight so I'm gonna go spend some time with him

June 24, 2009

It was nice to sleep in this morning. Today was the Young Survivors lunch so I didn't go into work until after lunch, leaving time to hang out in bed a few extra hours. Lunch was great, we ate at Ramsi's Cafe on the World. It was the first time I had been to that restaurant, and the food was very yummy (I got the fish tacos). I really enjoy seeing all the girls. We all seem to hit it off every time we get together, and I enjoy being able to socialize with women that are going through the same things that I am. I hope that this group will provide more opportunities for me to be an advocate for young women diagnosed with breast cancer, or any cancer for that matter. I feel like I am called to bring attention to fertility issues that exist for young women after diagnosis, whether it be financial assistance, or resources, mainly due to the fact that after my diagnosis I felt helpless with no direction or support in this department. Just the other day it occurred to me how lucky I was that I was married and had a partner to help me make decisions regarding my fertility. We were advised to have my eggs fertilized before freezing them. Freezing eggs is still experimental and less successful, and most places will not freeze eggs. Without a husband or partner I would have been unable to store any embryos. I know that there are other alternatives, such as adoption, surrogacy, or donation but some women, like myself want to experience pregnancy and child birth. I feel like not having the option robs me of the opportunity, and I refuse to let cancer do that. I am going to take from cancer, cancer is not going to take away from me (and I have already taken so much...friends, lessons, blessings, strength). I'm open to suggestions on how to expand and improve my mission. This is just the beginning, I hope to touch countless womens lives, and give them HOPE and options.
I had a good day today, and I know I'm blessed that I can say that! Thank you Lord!

June 23, 2009

Well, in this case no news is good news (not always the case). I've been feeling great, back to myself after my last chemo. However I've been preoccupied the past few days....Twilight! I'm addicted, thanks girls (you know who you are) for dragging me kicking and screaming into the 'club'. Basically I've not taken my nose out the books for the past few days. Last night I didn't go to bed til 1:30am because I couldn't put the book down. Seriously though, I am really impressed at how well chemo has been going. I really feel blessed that I've been able to maintain my normal life and continue to work. Tomorrow is my "Young Survivors" lunch, I'm really looking forward to it. I had a really good time last time. It's hard to go for the first time to anything like this because you don't know what to expect or if you'll hit it off with anyone there, but I was really impressed. I definitely have made some friends, true life long friends.
I received a pleasant surprise today, were going on a family vacation, Yeeeaaaa! In August my parents and sisters family are going to Tennessee to relax and spend some time together, it's going to be alot of fun. I can't remember the last time we took a family vacation, I know I was young. We used to go somewhere every year, we were a lucky family.
I plan on going to spin class again this week, oh the beloved bike! I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know there is hope of me riding outside again (I was worried that after surgery I would be limited, due to the risk of lymphedema,and limited strength and range of motion, but my strength is returning, and no signs of edema). My favorite triathlon is in August, so my plan is to race next year. It will kinda be my kick off, back into my athletic hobbies (I should be done with all my surgeries by then).
Well good night, after a late night last night (he, he) and a busy week at work so far this week (covering for a coworker from 8-5 past two days), I'm off to bed. Yawn.....

June 18, 2009

What an interesting day. I had my massage this morning, ohhhh it was nice. I miss being able to lay on my stomach (can't do that due to the expanders) but it still felt great! When I was leaving the hospital it started to storm. That storm was ridiculous! The skies turned black, it was pouring down so hard there was flooding, and the lightning was out of control. One of our neighbors' house (two houses down) was struck by lighting and caught fire. Today after work I finally got to go see one of the women from the retreat who had surgery. She has had a very rough week, she's already had three surgeries since Monday and has to go back into surgery tomorrow. Please keep her in your prayers. There are too many young women diagnosed with cancer and faced with life changing decisions. I feel blessed that there are groups that help us connect and support each other.
The chemo symptoms are starting to improve, or should I say change, so I'm happy about that. I've resigned to the fact that I'm gonna have bowel problems til chemo is over. Basically besides the heartburn, my mouth and taste (my tastebuds are fried!), everything is going well. Tomorrow I have my blood counts drawn, so we'll see how low those are. I've not gotten sick so that's a good sign. The nurses said last time that even if there low, if your body can rebound and you don't get sick it's not that big of a problem. When I had my labs drawn before chemo last week they said they had really improved, Yeah me!
Did I mention that my husband has been a trooper through all of this? Props to my husband and family for sticking by my side! Thanks for all your support!!!

June 17, 2009

So this round hasn't been as easy as the last one, but I'm still working and getting out of the house. Needless to say this weekend I didn't feel good. I felt like I was coming down with something, and my throat hurt soooo bad. I couldn't even touch my neck or jaw it was so sore. I had a headache, WICKED BAD heartburn, my body ached, a rash on my head that won't go away, and generally felt like crap. (I'm journaling this as a record, not to complain)
To make my weekend even better, Sunday Chad let Murphy out and when he came in he STUNK SO BAD. The stupid dog got into a dead (and rotting) animal, rolled around in it and ate it. Yuck!!! We ended up giving him a bath (even though I didn't want to get up) and feeding him anything to get the smell out of his mouth. That did NOT make me feel better.
I'm surprised at how much longer the symptoms are lasting this time. Today is Wednesday and I feel like I'm not really improving yet. I've been pretty exhausted this week, but I've worked everyday. I'm making it a point to get out of the house to do fun things as much as possible to keep me entertained and motivated. Last night I went out to dinner with some girlfriends from high school, we had a blast talking and catching up.
Tomorrow Chad and I get massages!! I'm so excited. I've been having alot of back pain (I'm pretty sure it's from the expansion) so I've been looking forward to it. Special thanks to the Cancer Resource Center at Norton's for giving us massages while your in treatment, rock on!!! That's what I call a sick and twisted benefit of having cancer, but oh well, I guess if I'm gonna have cancer might as well make the best of it :-)

June 15, 2009

Sorry, I did it again. Time gets away from me. I just realized that I hadn't blogged since chemo. About that, it was quite eventful! I had a reaction to one of the chemo's I'm on. It was lunch time and Chad had just brought up some lunch, so I sat up to eat and BAM, it hit me. It was so scary, it hit soooo fast. Literally, in like 10 sec I was having a severe reaction. When I sat up I got nauseous all the sudden and told Chad I thought I was going to get sick, could he go get a nurse, before he could get out of the room I was short of breath, couldn't breath, coughing, wheezing, RED AS A CHERRY, burning from my neck up, back pain, and nauseous. Within seconds the doctor, pharmacist, and several nurses were in my room, dragging oxygen in tow. They turned my chemo off and within about 15 minutes things were getting back to normal. After MORE steroids and Benedryl they were able to restart the chemo at a much slower drip and I didn't have any other reactions. Needless to say we were there forever that day.
Chemo hit much faster this time around too. Friday while I was at work the nausea hit and I didn't have my handy dandy Zofran (nausea medicine) with me, bummer! All in all I still feel like I can't complain. I felt pretty crummy this weekend, but I was able to go to church and get out of the house for a while. I definitely think this time around was worse than last time.

June 10, 2009

I know, I know, I'm sorry! Man has it been a while. Between the retreat and being so busy (I've been working full time) I haven't had the time to sit down and blog. Which brings me to my first point today...There is now doubt that a diagnosis like cancer is a reality check. Everyone always talks about how their lives are to busy and how they need to slow down. Not so true in my case, let me explain. I don't see a screeching halt or deceleration in my future (other than during my chemo treatments for obvious reasons) because that's who I am. I don't like sitting around, I'm a busy body. Anyone who knows me knows that my schedule is always full, and I'm happy with that. What I have taken from my reality check is that I need to make time for more of the things I enjoy. I'm one of those people who has a hard time saying NO. Being busy and being busy doing things that fulfill you or enrich you are two TOTALLY different things. Life lesson: Taking more time for yourself does not mean you have to slow down.
When I started my blog, somewhere in the beginning I mentioned that I knew there was purpose, or life lesson that I would take from my journey. I don't believe that I have cancer by chance, I think it is all part of a bigger picture. I have experienced blessing after blessing. I read a quote on a billboard this week..."Worry is useless when God is in control". I think that is part of the reason that I don't have much fear, I trust God. I mean really, the moment that we think we're in control God has a way of reminding us he's boss. I feel so blessed and unworthy that so many people have touched my life, and that I, yes ME, have touched so many lives. I have made life long friends during my journey that I would have otherwise never met.
Okay, on a less serious note, I guess everyone wants to know how I am doing. Thankfully everything is still going really well. I had a BLAST at the retreat, I am already looking forward to the reunion lunch! I've been feeling great, however the past two or three days I've been kinda tired, and I've yet to get rid of the diarrhea. I think it's my curse, instead of the nausea and vomiting, but I'll take it. There's nothing worse than being sick to your stomach. I got expanded today, which went well. I probably have two more expansions left before I'm to the size I want. Life without hair is great, VERY low maintenance, although I don't really dig the wigs, they're too itchy. I've mostly worn scarfs or gone bald.
Tomorrow is my 2nd chemo treatment. Lets all say a prayer that it goes as well as the first one did.

BALD IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL!

June 5, 2009

Today was the day! We shaved my head bright and early this morning. When I woke up there was hair all over my pillow and it was coming out in handfuls. It was time. Everything went well. It was a beautiful day, so we did it outside. Tricia buzzed my hair into a mohawk and I rocked that for a few minutes then Chad did the honors and shaved the rest off. It definitely wasn't a sad or somber morning, we had alot of fun with it.
After the 'hair appointment' Tricia and the boys (Evan and Ryan), Dad, Chad and I went to the fire house so the boys could run around and see the fire trucks. They had soooo much fun. Ryan was bouncing around with excitement. Then we went to lunch. I was sporting a scarf on my head most of the day. When Chad and I went home he helped me shave the rest of the stubble off with a razor. Thank God for that because the stubble was falling out just as bad as my hair was and it was making quite the mess.
Now it's off to the Breast Cancer Retreat Weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm going bald, no scarf or wig. (I'm taking some scarfs with me for tomorrow). BALD IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL!
I've had a great day!

June 4, 2009

YEA! YIPPIE! WOOO HOOO! I went to spin class tonight and it was awesome. I love the fellowship and hanging out with my spin friends. I felt strong and healthy tonight, like everything was 'normal'. Oh, how I miss the bike. It made me wish I could ride everyday. I'll take what I can get, I know that I won't always feel up to riding while I'm going through chemo, but man did it feel good.
So, I know everyone is dying to know........YES, my hair is falling out. I don't have bald patches, but I can't run my fingers through my hair without a bunch of hairs falling out. It doesn't matter how many times I run my fingers through, the hair just keeps coming out. I guess if I did it enough I wouldn't have to shave my head, but that's just what I plan to do. Yep, tomorrow morning, buzzzzzzz, we're getting out the clippers. The way I see it I have two options. First option is to let my hair keep falling out. I already find it annoying and it's just going to keep getting worse. I'll be walking around looking mangy with bald spots, not too pretty! Or I could go ahead and shave it. At this point I thing it pretty obvious my hair is falling out. If I shave it, I don't have to go through the hassle. I'm in control. Let's just get this part over with. I feel like everything in this journey has been a waiting game. Wait for test results, wait for the surgery date, wait to feel better, wait for chemo to kick in, enough already, I waited for my hair to fall out and it has, do I really need to wait for it ALL to fall out?! With all that being said, I'm not too worried about it. I'm not worried about being bald, my hair and I don't have an emotional connection. To be honest with you, most of the time I hate it. It takes too long to dry and fix in the morning, and no matter how hard I try, it always looks like I'm having a bad hair day.
As usual, I will post pictures of the big event. My sister is going to do the honors (she buzzed my Moms hair when hers started to fall out, kind of a sick family tradition), but Chad and my Mom and Dad will be there too. See you on the other side.

June 3, 2009

I can't believe that it's June already. I found my lump in early February, have I really been on this journey for almost 4 months? With that being said, things are going really well. I have worked full time this week (it's kinda hard though, because its our slow time of the year) and I feel great. I still have my hair, however this morning more was falling out than before. Now when I run my fingers through my hair 4-5 hairs come out. I still anticipate that it will really start falling out in the next few days.
I am so excited...I was invited to a weekend retreat for Breast Cancer Survivors this weekend. We'll get to spend time meeting other women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer or are survivors and have forums on topics that affect us like, lymphedema, genetics, nutrition and emotions. Tomorrow I am going to spin class!!!! Oh, how I miss cycling outdoors and spin class. My last bike ride was before my biopsy back in March.
In case you were wondering, my plants are sill alive. I haven't managed to kill them yet.

May 31, 2009

So, I made it through the weekend with out getting sick.
I had a great time at Huber's yesterday! That place is always fun, no matter how many times you have been there. Plus the wine still tasted good (my taste has been off since chemo, and my oncologist said that things wouldn't taste good or the same while going through treatment). I picked a ton of strawberries. Basically every meal I eat for the next week with be served with some sort of strawberry dish.
Today was the first day that I noticed some hairs falling out. Nothing extreme, but there were definitely more than normal. I feel pretty sure it going to fallout this week.
I don't know if you remember me telling you that I got a pot of flowers the night before my chemo treatment, well they have inspired me. I love taking care of them (not that it's that hard), and today I bought a hibiscus tree. It is so pretty, I just hope that I don't kill it. Tomorrow I'm gonna put it in a huge pot on my back porch. Wish me luck, I don't have a green thumb. (when it blooms I'll take a picture and post it.)

May 29, 2009

Today I had a lab appointment to check my blood counts. Basically they sucked! But don't fear...they said that since I am not sick, there was no need to panic or do anything at this point. (If it persist or I get really sick, then they can give me injections or infusions to help stimulate cell growth to boost the numbers. Mom had to have some of these shots, and she said they really make your bones hurt/ache.) However I am very high risk for infections or illness, so I have to wash my hands like an OCD person and stay away from sick people. They said my white blood cells were 1.8 (WBC 1.8) and my granulcytes, which is a part of your WBC's were 400 (GR 0.4), they should be 1,400. Yeah, none of this makes since to me either, just know they were VERY low.
On a note that makes more sense, I had another great day! After work I got to hang out with my nephews (Oh, how I love them!) and family for dinner. Tomorrow a friend and I are going to Huber's Winery for lunch, I can't wait. I am so glad that life hasn't stopped. I'm not sticking my head in the sand, I realize that I probably won't feel this good for all the treatments, but man it really makes me happy. I'll take all the good days I can get :-)

May 28, 2009

Yeah for me!!! I am happy to report that things have been good this week. I have worked for the past three days and even though I have a doctors appointment tomorrow I plan on working then too. (I'm only working half days, around 4 hours a day) Tuesday was a great day, I woke up feeling normal. After I worked I ran by the store then made dinner and went for ice cream and a walk with a good friend of mine. Come bed time was a different story. I don't know why, but I can not sleep this week. I lie in bed wide awake, its not like I'm worrying about stuff, I'm tired, I just can't fall asleep. Wednesday was the worst, I didn't fall asleep till after 3am. So, last night I took an Ambien, and guess what, I sleep good. Thank God for Ambien! As far as chemo symptoms, I'm still doing really well. I don't think I feel like myself yet (still have that 'yucky' feeling), but not sick enough to slow me down. I've got lots of things planned in the next two weeks that I will enjoy and will help keep me stay busy til the next round of chemo. Now we just wait...for my hair to fall out (at least it will be summer and not winter, so my head doesn't freeze). I probably have another week before it really starts coming out.

May 25, 2009

I am so excited to report that chemo has been kind to me this round. Everyday I open my eyes and think "maybe it hasn't hit yet". But I feel like today was day five, so surely the worst would be here by now. I don't feel great, but I know that it could be a hundred times worse. I told Chad today that I almost feel like I don't deserve to complain since some people are way more sick and miserable. The best way I can explain my symptoms is that it feels like I'm coming down with something. Almost like I've got the flu, but not quite as bad. I've got a sore throat, my bowels can't make up their mind, and I feel run down, however I'm able to move around and get out of the house for little trips and I haven't had nausea (although I been religious about taking anti-nausea medicine just in case). Oh, I hope and pray that every treatment goes this well!!! Since today was Memorial Day my office was closed, but I am planning on working for a few hours tomorrow. I had originally expected to be off this whole week, so I bet my office will be surprised. So, I guess we'll keep thanking our lucky stars and see how the rest of the week goes. I've got an appointment on Friday to check my blood counts.

May 23,2009

Just wanted to give a quick update. So far so good. Thursday night when I went to bed I had a raging headache and I felt like the room was moving, but I took some Tylenol and in the morning it was gone. Friday went well too. I was tired, but still no nausea. My family was coming in from St. Louis so Chad and I met them for dinner then went over to my mom's house to visit for a few. By this point I've got a few sores starting in my mouth and I definitely have a bad taste in my mouth, but I don't feel that bad. Maybe a little under the weather but not miserable. Today is Chad's birthday (32 years old!!!) but he had to sleep most of the day because he worked last night and goes in early tonight. I'm really happy that I'm not completely sick as a dog, so that we can go out to dinner before he goes to work. This afternoon I even made it to Target for a few needed items (I met my Mom and Grandmother). That trip confirmed that I fatigue way easier than normal, but even still, I am so impressed that I made it out of the house, much less to a store! So now the question is...is this how I'm gonna feel after chemo, or has it just not hit yet? Anyways, just chillin' in the recliner til I get my next wave of energy :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAD, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! (by the way, this is how great my husband is...on his birthday he comes home from work so bummed that the store didn't have any good flower bouquets. When I told him "you don't have to get me flowers on your birthday" he said "but I knew that they would make you feel better." How did I get so lucky?)

Pictures from my first chemo treatment

May 21, 2009 1st chemo treatment

Well, today was the big day. I had my first chemo treatment this morning at 9am, all in all I didn't think it took very long. We were out of there shortly after 1pm. When I got there, they did the usual weigh in and vital check, then we went to the treatment room. Mary was my nurse today, she was great (actually all the nurses are great! There are three clinical nurses and they have all been extremely friendly and very efficient). We sat down and she explained to me what we were going to do today and asked if I had any questions. Then she accessed my port. Chad made fun of me because I turned my head and had a real sour look on my face getting prepared for the stick, but it didn't really hurt any worse than getting your blood drawn. After the needle was in I relaxed and it was smooth sailing from there. My port works great, and she got a return of blood immediately. From that point she drew my blood and took it to the lab to be tested, that only took about 20 minutes. Then she hooked up my pre-meds (I was given medicines for nausea, anxiety and a steroid) that took about 30-45 minutes. After all the pre-meds were in she started the chemo, I got the Cytoxan first, then the Taxotere (the second drug ran for 2 hours, which is longer than normal to make sure I didn't have any reactions to it, I didn't), then after it was all complete they ran some saline through and filled the port with Heparin. Good to go! Actually, I don't feel that bad at all, I'm a little tired from the Ativan, but other than that I shouldn't have the hard core symptoms kick in til Friday night or Saturday (Saturday is a bummer because it's Chad's birthday). They said I would feel bad for at least a week, and my blood count will plummet between 7-10 days (I may have to wear a mask during this time if I'm at work). They also said that my hair will fall out between 2-3 weeks. This won't be a problem because Thursday Mom and I want to the American Cancer Society and picked out a wig, than I went to the Norton Cancer Resource Center and picked out a second wig - and they were both FREE! They also gave me some hats too. So, I feel prepared for when my hair falls out, I don't think it will really bother me emotionally.
I think my plan of keeping busy til the big day worked again. Last weekend we were in Gatlinburg, then on Tuesday I went to my first Young Survivors event. It was alot of fun, we had dinner at Buca di Beppo. It was unlike your normal 'support group' (which I imagine people sitting in a circle like an AA meeting talking about all the bad things that we were going through and felling sorry for ourselves) but actually was really fun and enjoyable, I'm already looking forward to next months event. Basically there were about 20 women all under the age of 40 diagnosed at various ages, and we just ate dinner and chit chatted at out leisure. No pressure, if you didn't want to talk cancer you didn't have to, if you wanted to compare doctors or treatments or side effects you could. I really feel like I met alot of great women who I think could grow into wonderful friendships. On Wednesday my employers took the office to On the Border for drinks and dinner. That was alot of fun too! I really like everyone that I work with and feel blessed that we are able to hang out and enjoy each other company. We sat and chatted for a few hours and then everyone gave me there best wishes for 'the big day'. My office manager and her family even gave me a pot of flowers that were so colorful and pretty. Having things like that around really help my mood. I feel like it brings life and something joyful to look at and care for (plus I'm really happy they were in a pot because I don't have a green thumb, and even though I would love to garden I'm afraid I would kill everything, so I feel like this give me better odds).
So now we wait....I think that is the hardest part. I know that it's coming, but I don't know how bad it will be, how long it will last, everyone is different. But maybe after I get one under my belt it will be easier, or maybe I will make it harder, who knows. All I know is that this is not a disease for neurotic people who obsess about everything being planned to a T (that would be me by the way). Thank you everyone for all you thoughtful cards and support, the phone calls and text. It makes me smile and feel like I'm not alone. I feel blessed and ready to move on.
The pictures are of treatment today.