September 10, 2009

I had a rough weekend. Another holiday weekend down the drain due to chemo. I spent the whole weekend laying in bed or on the sofa. I didn't have as severe nausea this time, just the general malaise and aches. The energy is literally zapped from me. My taste feels like it was even worse this time around. Sometimes just thinking about a certain type of food made my stomach turn. I guess that must be what it's like to be pregnant.
Tuesday was a slow day at work. I was able to sit down most of the day and do my work from my desk. I worked almost 6 hours, and for the most part I was doing okay, but decided to go to the grocery store on the way home...I just can't leave well enough alone...I always gotta do just a little more. By the time I left the store I was hurting and in pain, and had a very upset stomach. However I got some great deals on meat, lol. Anything to save a dollar these days (since I feel like I'm never working).
Wednesday I had to be at work early, and I did not sleep a wink the night before! I didn't fall asleep til 2, and from 2-6 I saw my clock way too many times to constitute good sleep. I did okay most of the morning, other than lots of trips to the bathroom. I was on my feet all morning and about 12:30 I crashed. The back pain and fatigue hit so fast, I felt worse than I had since the past chemo weekend. I knew I had to go home, there was no way around it, if I stayed a minute more I would have had a break down right there in the nurses station. I could barely sit in my car on the way home and went straight to bed. I couldn't even fall asleep I hurt so bad. I ached in a way I can't describe, like it was in my bones (an ache so bad it causes severe pain), I was short of breath (they say that happens because my counts get low, which if that is the case, there dropping early), I had a severe headache, my right arm got tight (the muscles where they did the lymphnode discection still get tight and limit my range of motion if I get too fatigued and when my counts drop), drainage, congestion, my stomach hurt...you get the point. Finally after about 45 minutes of laying there on my heating pad I finally fell asleep. When I woke up three hours later, I felt worse than when I layed down, which is very unusual for me. Against my better judgement I decided to go to my bible study anyways. It was the first night of the study and I knew I would be missing the next two weeks. I could barely make it out the door, and the whole way there I was nearly in tears thinking "what am I doing?!" I just wanna go home and go to bed. After a couple of hours I was more than ready to head home and get back into my bed again. This time I thought I would take a sleeping pill so that I didn't repeat the night before. Yeah, not so much...I STILL laid there wide awake for hours trying to fall asleep, feeling miserable. Needless to say, I did not go to work today. I'm a little bit bummed that I fell into the trap that I warned myself about. I was so ready to be done with chemo and start my life back full swing that I forgot that I still had to recover from this last treatment. Things can still go wrong, I can still get sick. I am sick of feeling sick, tired of being slowed down. Like all of my coping energies have been used up, and now I just wanna sit here and pout til I feel good. So I allow myself to sit here and have a moment, and I get mad at myself for not having a good attitude, so I give myself little pep talk and get back on the ride, smile on my face. Did I mention that my hormones have been a little out of control lately? Definitely! I go tomorrow to get my labs checked, I am interested to see what they are. So, I guess I'll sit here on the couch and waste another day away (I hate couch potatoes!).