October 4, 2009

I am ashamed to admit that I have been purposely avoiding the blog for the past week. I've been holding on to some feelings that I didn't want to share. I feel like that makes me a hypocrite, the whole reason I started this blog was to give a real account of life with cancer, to help others who may be dealing with the same feelings or stages that I am going through. With that being said, I feel like I should get a few things off my chest (like the pun? haha). Last week I mentioned that I was having some tenderness in my arm and decreased range of motion, and that I was going to go see my surgeon. Well I have, and things didn't quite go as planned. I assumed that I was developing Lymphedema (swelling in your tissue due to decreased drainage from your lymph system as a result of a lymph node dissection, which can cause irreversible damage), however the doc seemed to blow off that idea and suggested that I get a CT and a bone scan and we'll go from there. I asked him why we were doing those test and he told me, after he paused, that we need to check for recurrence or metastasis. Really!?!....I want the truth, don't get me wrong, but whoa, that is not what I had expected. It never crossed my mind as a possibility, how could I be so naive? After thinking about it, I remember asking my oncologist one day if I would get regular scans after treatment to check for recurrence, and she said no, we usually only do those if your having pain or feel new lumps, or if your labs come back out of range. Ughhhh, I don't even want to entertain the possibility. This was on a Thursday, I had my CT of the chest and bone scan on the next Tuesday. Being that I am terribly impatient on a good day, much less when I am am FREAKING OUT, and that I have access to my reports because of my job in the medical field, I couldn't help but look at my results on the computer. In basic terms, it said that I had a band of scar tissue in my axilla (armpit) and that in the scar tissue there was an irregular focal mass with fingers (NOT good, cancer like characteristic). The tumor could not be ruled out for recurrence or metastasis and that I needed a PET scan. It also said that some of my lymph nodes in my other armpit were enlarged, and that I needed a PET scan for those too. Let me just set up the scene for you...I am sitting at my desk at work, with my best friend looking over my shoulder as I pull up my results. Their there, they've been read. It takes a few seconds for me to talk myself into scrolling down the screen, I'm nervous as hell. The first test is my bone scan, it was normal, phew! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders, its not so hard for me to continue to scroll down to the CT. As I'm scrolling down I'm thinking to myself there sure is alot of writing in this report, usually there isn't that much to dictate....and then BAM! I see the work "irregular". In that second I literally thought that all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out. My heart was racing, and my hands started to shake. I'm floating in my own little world, when I hear my friend ask if I'm okay. "Yeah, I'll be fine" I said. "No, Alicia" she said "you have hives all over you, they look bad". Its not uncommon for me to get red when I am nervous, but this was not redness or even blotchiness, there were huge full out hives! Yes, that's how freaked out I was. I finish reading the report and start to cry. Part of me is crying because I don't want anymore bad news. I just finished my treatment, I want to move on! The other part of me is crying because it feels like a de ja vu from the first time I was diagnosed (I went in thinking it was nothing and felt like I was blindsided with the news), this really could be a reality, and I'm just not ready to accept that. It was a long night talking to my husband and family about the results and the possibilities, but I have to say, I was able to calm down much more quickly this time than when I was first diagnosed in March. I am learning that these things are out of my control, I have to trust God. I got a call from My surgeons office the next day telling me that I needed to be set up for a PET scan sooner than later, and was scheduled for this upcoming Monday. What a whirl wind, in less than a week I go from thinking nothings wrong to a battery of test and emotions to see if my cancers' back.
At this point, I am tired of waiting for everything to be over and putting my life on hold. I went to spin class last week to try and burn some steam, it took everything in me to stay on that bike. My cardiovascular endurance has gone down the drain. When I got home I just laid in bed, my limbs felt too heavy to pick up. However, its not going to get better unless I start pushing myself like that.
On top of my personal roller coaster this week, my husband and I had a very sobering week due to some horrible news from friends. One of Chad's close family friends died unexpectedly last week. A young man Chad's age left behind a wife, a 3 year old son and a grieving family after a tragic accident. I couldn't help be feel humbled and ashamed that I am so worried about my test results when I am so lucky to be alive!
I am a trying to keep my mind busy this week until I get the official word from the PET scan. If I've learned anything, it's that worrying won't get me anywhere, as a matter of fact it just burns through emotions that I could put towards fighting this battle.
I wonder how you ever completely get over the fear of your cancer coming back? I still have 50 good years ahead of me...I'm not read to give those up!
Don't forget that the Susan G Komen walk is next weekend on October 10th at 9 am. You can join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" or make a donation at the website listed under my blog "Breast Cancer Walks". Thanks!!!!