May 31, 2009

So, I made it through the weekend with out getting sick.
I had a great time at Huber's yesterday! That place is always fun, no matter how many times you have been there. Plus the wine still tasted good (my taste has been off since chemo, and my oncologist said that things wouldn't taste good or the same while going through treatment). I picked a ton of strawberries. Basically every meal I eat for the next week with be served with some sort of strawberry dish.
Today was the first day that I noticed some hairs falling out. Nothing extreme, but there were definitely more than normal. I feel pretty sure it going to fallout this week.
I don't know if you remember me telling you that I got a pot of flowers the night before my chemo treatment, well they have inspired me. I love taking care of them (not that it's that hard), and today I bought a hibiscus tree. It is so pretty, I just hope that I don't kill it. Tomorrow I'm gonna put it in a huge pot on my back porch. Wish me luck, I don't have a green thumb. (when it blooms I'll take a picture and post it.)

May 29, 2009

Today I had a lab appointment to check my blood counts. Basically they sucked! But don't fear...they said that since I am not sick, there was no need to panic or do anything at this point. (If it persist or I get really sick, then they can give me injections or infusions to help stimulate cell growth to boost the numbers. Mom had to have some of these shots, and she said they really make your bones hurt/ache.) However I am very high risk for infections or illness, so I have to wash my hands like an OCD person and stay away from sick people. They said my white blood cells were 1.8 (WBC 1.8) and my granulcytes, which is a part of your WBC's were 400 (GR 0.4), they should be 1,400. Yeah, none of this makes since to me either, just know they were VERY low.
On a note that makes more sense, I had another great day! After work I got to hang out with my nephews (Oh, how I love them!) and family for dinner. Tomorrow a friend and I are going to Huber's Winery for lunch, I can't wait. I am so glad that life hasn't stopped. I'm not sticking my head in the sand, I realize that I probably won't feel this good for all the treatments, but man it really makes me happy. I'll take all the good days I can get :-)

May 28, 2009

Yeah for me!!! I am happy to report that things have been good this week. I have worked for the past three days and even though I have a doctors appointment tomorrow I plan on working then too. (I'm only working half days, around 4 hours a day) Tuesday was a great day, I woke up feeling normal. After I worked I ran by the store then made dinner and went for ice cream and a walk with a good friend of mine. Come bed time was a different story. I don't know why, but I can not sleep this week. I lie in bed wide awake, its not like I'm worrying about stuff, I'm tired, I just can't fall asleep. Wednesday was the worst, I didn't fall asleep till after 3am. So, last night I took an Ambien, and guess what, I sleep good. Thank God for Ambien! As far as chemo symptoms, I'm still doing really well. I don't think I feel like myself yet (still have that 'yucky' feeling), but not sick enough to slow me down. I've got lots of things planned in the next two weeks that I will enjoy and will help keep me stay busy til the next round of chemo. Now we just wait...for my hair to fall out (at least it will be summer and not winter, so my head doesn't freeze). I probably have another week before it really starts coming out.

May 25, 2009

I am so excited to report that chemo has been kind to me this round. Everyday I open my eyes and think "maybe it hasn't hit yet". But I feel like today was day five, so surely the worst would be here by now. I don't feel great, but I know that it could be a hundred times worse. I told Chad today that I almost feel like I don't deserve to complain since some people are way more sick and miserable. The best way I can explain my symptoms is that it feels like I'm coming down with something. Almost like I've got the flu, but not quite as bad. I've got a sore throat, my bowels can't make up their mind, and I feel run down, however I'm able to move around and get out of the house for little trips and I haven't had nausea (although I been religious about taking anti-nausea medicine just in case). Oh, I hope and pray that every treatment goes this well!!! Since today was Memorial Day my office was closed, but I am planning on working for a few hours tomorrow. I had originally expected to be off this whole week, so I bet my office will be surprised. So, I guess we'll keep thanking our lucky stars and see how the rest of the week goes. I've got an appointment on Friday to check my blood counts.

May 23,2009

Just wanted to give a quick update. So far so good. Thursday night when I went to bed I had a raging headache and I felt like the room was moving, but I took some Tylenol and in the morning it was gone. Friday went well too. I was tired, but still no nausea. My family was coming in from St. Louis so Chad and I met them for dinner then went over to my mom's house to visit for a few. By this point I've got a few sores starting in my mouth and I definitely have a bad taste in my mouth, but I don't feel that bad. Maybe a little under the weather but not miserable. Today is Chad's birthday (32 years old!!!) but he had to sleep most of the day because he worked last night and goes in early tonight. I'm really happy that I'm not completely sick as a dog, so that we can go out to dinner before he goes to work. This afternoon I even made it to Target for a few needed items (I met my Mom and Grandmother). That trip confirmed that I fatigue way easier than normal, but even still, I am so impressed that I made it out of the house, much less to a store! So now the question is...is this how I'm gonna feel after chemo, or has it just not hit yet? Anyways, just chillin' in the recliner til I get my next wave of energy :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAD, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! (by the way, this is how great my husband is...on his birthday he comes home from work so bummed that the store didn't have any good flower bouquets. When I told him "you don't have to get me flowers on your birthday" he said "but I knew that they would make you feel better." How did I get so lucky?)

Pictures from my first chemo treatment

May 21, 2009 1st chemo treatment

Well, today was the big day. I had my first chemo treatment this morning at 9am, all in all I didn't think it took very long. We were out of there shortly after 1pm. When I got there, they did the usual weigh in and vital check, then we went to the treatment room. Mary was my nurse today, she was great (actually all the nurses are great! There are three clinical nurses and they have all been extremely friendly and very efficient). We sat down and she explained to me what we were going to do today and asked if I had any questions. Then she accessed my port. Chad made fun of me because I turned my head and had a real sour look on my face getting prepared for the stick, but it didn't really hurt any worse than getting your blood drawn. After the needle was in I relaxed and it was smooth sailing from there. My port works great, and she got a return of blood immediately. From that point she drew my blood and took it to the lab to be tested, that only took about 20 minutes. Then she hooked up my pre-meds (I was given medicines for nausea, anxiety and a steroid) that took about 30-45 minutes. After all the pre-meds were in she started the chemo, I got the Cytoxan first, then the Taxotere (the second drug ran for 2 hours, which is longer than normal to make sure I didn't have any reactions to it, I didn't), then after it was all complete they ran some saline through and filled the port with Heparin. Good to go! Actually, I don't feel that bad at all, I'm a little tired from the Ativan, but other than that I shouldn't have the hard core symptoms kick in til Friday night or Saturday (Saturday is a bummer because it's Chad's birthday). They said I would feel bad for at least a week, and my blood count will plummet between 7-10 days (I may have to wear a mask during this time if I'm at work). They also said that my hair will fall out between 2-3 weeks. This won't be a problem because Thursday Mom and I want to the American Cancer Society and picked out a wig, than I went to the Norton Cancer Resource Center and picked out a second wig - and they were both FREE! They also gave me some hats too. So, I feel prepared for when my hair falls out, I don't think it will really bother me emotionally.
I think my plan of keeping busy til the big day worked again. Last weekend we were in Gatlinburg, then on Tuesday I went to my first Young Survivors event. It was alot of fun, we had dinner at Buca di Beppo. It was unlike your normal 'support group' (which I imagine people sitting in a circle like an AA meeting talking about all the bad things that we were going through and felling sorry for ourselves) but actually was really fun and enjoyable, I'm already looking forward to next months event. Basically there were about 20 women all under the age of 40 diagnosed at various ages, and we just ate dinner and chit chatted at out leisure. No pressure, if you didn't want to talk cancer you didn't have to, if you wanted to compare doctors or treatments or side effects you could. I really feel like I met alot of great women who I think could grow into wonderful friendships. On Wednesday my employers took the office to On the Border for drinks and dinner. That was alot of fun too! I really like everyone that I work with and feel blessed that we are able to hang out and enjoy each other company. We sat and chatted for a few hours and then everyone gave me there best wishes for 'the big day'. My office manager and her family even gave me a pot of flowers that were so colorful and pretty. Having things like that around really help my mood. I feel like it brings life and something joyful to look at and care for (plus I'm really happy they were in a pot because I don't have a green thumb, and even though I would love to garden I'm afraid I would kill everything, so I feel like this give me better odds).
So now we wait....I think that is the hardest part. I know that it's coming, but I don't know how bad it will be, how long it will last, everyone is different. But maybe after I get one under my belt it will be easier, or maybe I will make it harder, who knows. All I know is that this is not a disease for neurotic people who obsess about everything being planned to a T (that would be me by the way). Thank you everyone for all you thoughtful cards and support, the phone calls and text. It makes me smile and feel like I'm not alone. I feel blessed and ready to move on.
The pictures are of treatment today.

May 18, 2009

Finally, a happier blog! The past weekend was great. We spent the last four days in Gatlinburg, TN with a huge group of friends and had a blast! It was so relaxing and it gave me an opportunity to forget my realities at home and enjoy the beauty of nature (the view was amazing!!!), spend much needed quality time with my husband, and laugh my guts out with friends! We spent alot of time lounging around the cabin, but we got out some too. Chad and I went to the aquarium, did some outlet shopping (I bought a Coach wristlet), we visited a winery, and went out for lunch and ice cream (just the two of us). It was so nice to come and go as we pleased and didn't have to worry about work or doctor's appointments. I've been feeling alot better too. My belly pains and swelling are improved, now all I'm left with is wicked bad back pain, but that too is getting better.
When we got home the first thing we wanted to do was pick up our baby, Murphy (our spoiled rotten dog). He spent the weekend at Grandma Ledington's (Chad's parents) which was as much fun for him as our vacation was to us. When we got there he was playing with his buddy (Kiaya, a rot mix) in the baby pool next door and didn't even look up from wrestling when we called for him. Needless to say, we always know he is well taken care of! He went to bed at 9 pm tonight and has been dreaming of his weekend ever since.
As for me, I am ready to get to bed too. I've got a busy week ahead and want to take advantage of the rest I got this weekend. Tomorrow is my first Young Survivors event. I'm nervous, but really excited about getting to meet women close to my age that can help me sort through all the emotions and fear I have. I realize there's no handbook on how to deal with everything, but there's strength in knowing that your not the only one.
Chemo starts on Thursday. I'm scared about that, mostly because I don't know how I'll feel (the unknown), but I guess you have to start something before you can finish it.
I'm hoping to post some pictures from the trip.

May 13, 2009

I have to be honest, I'm getting tired of writing such negative blogs. I wish things would look up, I wish I would feel better. I was telling my friend the other day, this has been my life for so long that I'm running out of non-cancer things to talk about when I'm hanging with friends. Don't get me wrong, there are things to look forward to, like Gatlinburg this weekend, but even still, I won't feel like myself. I went back to work yesterday! I also did too much, and paid the price. At the end of the night I couldn't get my scrub top off due to pain and restricted movement (and the fact scrubs have no elasticity in them at all!) and ended up cutting it off, I felt like I was back in my EMS days, cutting trauma patients clothes. It kinda made me laugh. My belly pains were back full force last night and all day today, and I've had wicked bad neck pain (I haven't figured out what that is from yet). I managed to make it to work today in time to eat lunch, have a break down for no reason, and curl up in pain just to turn around and head back home with only one hour on the clock.
I had my port placement surgery on Monday, everything went well. No more looking for veins, just use my port!
Actually, I do have some things to look forward to. When we get home from Gatlinburg I am going to my first Young Survivors meeting/dinner. I am looking forward to taking with other young women who have or are going though the same thing as me. With starting chemo next week I'm sure I'll be nervous and have lots of questions and concerns. Plus, the night before chemo my office is taking me out to our favorite restaurant 'On The Border' for some pre-chemo fun. So, for the next week I will be surrounded by family and friends to help me keep my mind off the upcoming chemo. I guess I'm blessed. Actually, I know I'm blessed!

May 10, 2009 A Tribute To My Mother

This one's for you mom! I'm not exactly sure how to begin. First off Thank You!!! Thank you for loving me-unconditionally, raising to have values and to believe in God, trusting me and teaching me to trust myself, showing me how to follow my heart, being a solid and strong woman to look up to. Thank you for believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself, for showing me courage, but most of all...THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!
Last year I was broken hearted watching you battle cancer. I experienced so many emotions, I cried, anxiety, felt helpless, fear, pain. It was the longest and hardest trial of my life, I wanted nothing more than for you to be finished and healthy. Now its my turn, you have been by my side since the beginning, holding my hand. I can truly say I know how you must feel, and I'm sorry. We had finally reached the finish line with your treatment and life was just starting to get back to normal. So, the long journey begins again, and I am so blessed to have you help me through. Thank you for being a woman, friend and mother I can depend on. You have been a role model in so many ways, and I know that if we beat cancer once, we can do it again. You give me hope, and courage. I thank God for an amazing mother and a best friend!
Happy Mother's Day!!!

May 9, 2009

First off, let me tell you how today was so posed to go...I was going to get up, run a few errands (pick up a Mother's Day gift, go to the grocery store, redeem my free panty at V.S.) and then go to church with my mother. Let me tell you how today really went. After waking up at 12:30a.m. with the most severe pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to go to the guest bathroom across the living room to get some medicine. Needless to say, with pain at a 10/10 I ended up in a ball on the living room floor (home alone, Chad works nights) screaming and crying. I broke out in a sweat and became nauseous, thinking at this point, do I call Chad, the doctor on call, or EMS. Well, being the stubborn woman that I am, I decide to do neither, instead after lying there a few minutes I crawl back to bed and manage to rock myself to sleep in a ball (impressive being that I'm still sleeping on my back since the mastectomy). Around 6:00a.m. I have another episode not nearly as severe. So this morning I decided that being this miserable was not normal, and called the fertility doctor on-call. Apparently he didn't think it was all that normal either and told me I could come in to the office or go to the emergency room...a half an hour later I'm on my way to the doctors office. After multiple blood pressure reading come back high, and my heart rate stays elevated, she does an ultrasound. She was so excited, a medical miracle, she's never seen ovaries so large...great! She also sees some fluid in my belly. The doctor told me my symptoms were classic ovarian torsion symptoms (that means that your ovary twist, and if it doesn't resolve itself it requires emergency surgery to either untwist it or remove the ovary due to tissue death). So my trip to the doctors office to save me the visit to the emergency room turns into a visit to the emergency room, what a time saver (sense the sarcasm)! So off to the E.R. I go. Two I.V. sticks and a bruise later I go for another ultrasound. This technician is also very impressed. Each cyst in my ovaries measure the size of what a normal ovary should be. One ovary measured 14cm and the other ovary measured 13cm. They also said I had alot of fluid (blood) in my belly, however my labs did not indicate anemia or severe blood lose. Bottom line diagnosis: I either have been very lucky and have had ovarian torsion that resolved itself, or I have so much fluid in my belly, that it settles at night while lying flat, and when I sit up it all shifts and thus causes severe pain. The good news is (I'm always trying to be positive) I don't have to have my belly tapped (sticking a needle in to drain the fluid), or have surgery. Basically today SUCKED! I was sent home with my billionth pain med prescription (that I refuse to take due to severe constipation) and get to wait for my ovaries to decrease in size over the next few weeks and for my body to reabsorb the fluid. Just another fun day in the wonderful world of cancer!

May 8, 2009

Well, things are moving slowly, but I am improving. The severe gas pain feeling has let off some, and now I just have really bad cramping. Things are so much more easy to deal with when they don't bombard you all at once. With that being said, I did get expanded on Thursday. The nurse only put 60cc of fluid in each rather than 120cc like last time, because she said as you progress, it may be a little more uncomfortable. All I have to say is THANK YOU for not making more miserable. Although it is uncomfortable, I know that if I had gotten 120cc we would be busting out the pain meds! I don't mind taking my time, geesh, I'm on this roller coaster for 5 more months...so lets not be hasty with the whole expansion thing. There is one more thing...nausea! Not all the time (which is nice), but violent waves without notice. I had a few yesterday, out of the blue I would be feeling pretty good and WHAM, I need a trash can (I haven't actually thrown up yet, Thank God!) Chad thinks it's from all the hormones from the IVF and hopefully they are working their way out of my body, which explains the waves (we try to rationalize everything, I think we think it gives us control? Or we don't know what in the hell we are talking about, but just want an answer for everything, who knows!)
I still haven't gone back to work since the egg harvest, I totally underestimated how blah and uncomfortable I would be. The next speed bump is my port placement, Mom has actually had this done, so hopefully were back on familiar ground. She says I should feel fine the next day, just a little swollen and tender in the area. Again, I may be setting myself for disappointment, but I hope to work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Why not Friday you ask....because we are going to Gatlinburg with a group of friends!!!! I am so excited, I hope and pray that I feel good for this trip, a few days to feel like myself again before I get beaten down by chemo.

May 6, 2009

My eggs have been harvested! The procedure was yesterday. Everything went really well, and they were able to retrieve 32 eggs!!! That's insane! They said my ovaries were huge, which is a good thing for IVF, not such a good thing for me....now I am sooo bloated and cramping really bad! It feels like the worst case of gas pain. They said it should improve over the next 1-2 weeks, because they stuck my ovaries so many times they are full of blood and swollen. Then last night my eggs and Chad's sperm met...it must have been love at first sight because 22 eggs were fertilized! Now their frozen in little straws waiting to be implanted. Not your typical 'Birds and Bee's' story. So much for feeling better after I finished the fertility meds, I feel just as crappy now due to the bloating and discomfort from surgery. Anyways, I'm taking it easy today, Dr.'s orders, before my expansion tomorrow.

May 4, 2009

Yeah!!!! I have finished my injections for Fertility! I took my last shot last night. They have scheduled to do the harvest Tuesday morning. I couldn't be happier, not because it is exciting (what's exciting about harvesting your eggs when all you wanted to do is be healthy and pregnant at this time), but because I am so ready for these symptoms to take a hike! The past few days I have been sooo nauseous. It hits mid afternoon and all I want to do I go to bed so I can forget about it, but tomorrow is the big day.
I don't really now much about the process, other than they consider it a surgery because they will have to put me under to do the procedure. Then I go to recovery for a couple of hours, then home to lay in bed for a day or two.
My next expansion is scheduled for Thursday, so that should give me enough time to recover from that before the dreaded pain of expansion hits again (but this time I can take better medicine for it, before, with the egg harvesting I couldn't really take much).
My goal for the day (I don't normally have daily goals) is to shower and get to work and back before the nausea kicks in (I plan on driving myself, I'll let you know how that goes!). Its been a few weeks since I've been to work, and believe it or not, I really want to go back. I really want a routine again, but I know that is unlikely for the next 5 months.
Chemo is creeping up, only 17 more days.

May 2, 2009

Yes, it's official, I hate Fertility drugs! They have in fact kicked in. The past few days have been interesting, luckily for Chad he has been on the cruising detail on Broadway for Derby, so he's out of dodge. Basically I feel horrible, I'm nauseous, my lower abdomen and pelvis are cramping (due to my ovaries and follicles getting much bigger), headaches, fatigue and a really crappy mood. Thanks to my mom, I did make it to the Derby parade on Thursday with my nephews, and I had a good time, but it took alot of tears to get me there. I will cry for no reason at all, or because I don't feel good and I feel sorry for myself, and now, instead of dying to get out of the house due to boredom, all I want to do is stay in bed. I have also have cravings...a few nights ago I made Chad take me to Dairy Queen for some ice cream, yet some foods make me feel sick to my stomach.
At my ultrasound this morning my follicles looked really good and they are hoping to harvest them on Tuesday, so that is some good news.