November 20, 2009

I promise, I haven't abandoned the blog. There hasn't been too much to remark about concerning the "cancer world". I had a follow up with my Plastic Surgeon a week after surgery and everything is looking great. I healed really fast compared to the other surgeries. I'm due to go back in another week or two, but for the most part I was released to do whatever I wanted. Unfortunately it looks like I will probably have to have one or two more surgeries to finish the reconstruction, but they won't be any worse than the one I just had. I am planning on scheduling the next surgery next spring. I've been trying to incorporate exercise back in my life (I can definitely tell a HUGE decrease in my strength and cardiovascular endurance). I've been to spin class a few times and doing some strength exercises at home. I'm really looking forward to getting back out on my bike next spring and I plan on doing a least 2 triathlons next year.
I also met with my oncologist a week after surgery. She started me on Tamoxifen and so far I would say we have a HATE/HATE relationship. The Tamoxifen is a hormone blocker that decreases the cancers ability to thrive on the estrogen in my body. The idea is to suppress the estrogen. Without going into more details than some reader may want, basically it's rocking my female world. Hot flashes accompanied with severe nausea, insomnia, and extreme emotional...I don't even know what you would call it! I just feel down. I'm hoping that this is a transitional phase and in a few months things will get better (otherwise, Lord help us all! It's going to be a LONG 5 years!) I don't have to go back to the oncologist for 2 more months. It's nice to have a break form all the appointments for a change!
As usual, I've been very busy. I hate sitting around the house. Chad and I have been trying to enjoy the beautiful weather while it's still around. The past few weekends we have gone out driving and visited a few wineries.
Just trying to take it one day at a time. I think finding yourself after treament is BY FAR the hardest part. I've definately been doing alot of soul searching.

October 26, 2009

Day 5 post-op. Things are going really well. I'm impressed how much more quickly I have recovered from this surgery. I'm still very tender and sore, but I was able to quit my pain meds Friday early afternoon. My legs are the most sore. I have to be careful not to plop myself into a chair, and I tend to be a bit stiff when I get up. Otherwise my bruising is healing and my scars are flattening out some. I am still having some nausea, but I'm pretty sure that has to due with hormones. I plan on going back to work Wednesday or Thursday, and I don't go back to my plastic surgeon til next Monday.
I had a follow up with my oncologist today. I am cleared for another 3 months, and I start my Tamoxifen tomorrow. She was unable to tell me how this medicine would affect my hormones, since every woman is different, but I am hoping for the best. I'll have to take this medicine for 5 years, which is why Chad and I have to wait to try to conceive.
It's a really weird feeling. I went from following my dreams to a screeching halt. Fighting cancer for 8 months and now I'm tossed back into my "life". In a way I kinda feel lost. I'm trying to find a balance. It would be a lie if I said I don't have to think about cancer anymore. It's always going to be a worry, is it going to come back? I'm reminded daily by the scars that mark my body. I can't just go back to my original plans and life course, if that were the case I should be having a baby about this time. Chad and I have to make a new path for ourselves, reprioritize. Ahh, where to go from here? It's such a scary transition. Alas, I know things will work out, I trust God, but where do I place my next step? I'm ready to move forward. I am cancer FREE!!! What an amazing journey. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I were strong enough to make it through a fight like this, or even imagine the possibility of facing something like this at my age I would have told you you were crazy. If I have learned anything, it is to never underestimate yourself, and NEVER underestimate the Lord. God is good, even amidst our fears and trials. I feel like I've won the battle. Not because I'm cancer free, but because I feel like I've taken more from cancer than cancer has taken from me. I have been blessed beyond measure throughout my journey this year.

October 23, 2009

It's two days after surgery and I have to admit, I was hoping to feel better than I do. Surgery went great, other than waiting forever to go to surgery. I think I was in surgery for about 2 1/2 hours. It took me a little bit to wake up from the anesthesia, but when I did, I was feeling pretty good (obviously sore, but not as bad as I had expected). They had booked me a room to spend the night, but I was able to go home that afternoon around 5pm. I took it easy for the rest of the evening and slept great that night. The next day did not go great. I've been really tired and VERY sore (I have HUGE bruises on my thighs from the fat grafting, and my chest is tight). After one of my naps I nearly passed out and felt very nauseous. That continued into last night and today. Last night at around 5am I woke up and thought I was going to get sick, plus I was in alot of pain. I am still taking my pain meds and even had to take some Zofran for my nausea. Against my better judgement I had my in-laws take me to the grocery store so I could get a few items. I didn't carry anything but I think even the walking was too much.

October 21, 2009

Today is the day. I have to be at the hospital by 9am. No nerves, I feel really good about this one. I know and love my surgeon and my anesthesiologist is a close friend. I'm in good hands. Yea!!!!! This is my last step, I'm sooo ready to be done. Not looking forward to the pain thats gonna come this afternoon.
Anyways, running late, gotta go.
Wish me luck

October 16, 2009

5 days til surgery! Not much is going on. I went to spin class last night and I have definitely paid for it today. I went with the intentions of taking it easy, and ended up pushing myself to my max. Of course, what else would I expect, I'm so competitive. I was nice to know that my cardiovascular system is getting stronger. I've not been having to rapid heart rate like I was during my treatments (told you it was from the chemo). I've been very physical this week, and have noticed some "chemo" back pain. I thought that stage was over, but at least it's getting better and less often. My hair is really starting to come in. I hope to post a pic soon of the progress. Now, if I could just grow some eyebrows, hahaha.
It's not too late to join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" for the ACS Making Strides Walk.

Koman "Walk For The Cure" 2009

October 12, 2009

I guess it's time to start the countdown....9 days til surgery.
I loved the footage from the WHAS 11 interview, I hope to post a link to it soon. Things have been going pretty well. For the most part I'm feeling better, but I'm not 100% yet.
This past Saturday was the Komen Walk For The Cure. It was amazing! Thank you to everyone who supported, donated and walked with me.
Mom and I have another interview this Wednesday on WAVE 3 form 10-11am.

WHAS 11 INTERVIEW

Just wanted to let everyone know that the footage that was taped last month for WHAS 11 will air tonight in the 5:00 news hour. Also, mom and I will be live next Wednesday on WAVE 3 from 10-11. The Todays Woman article is out, you can find copies at Kroger (at the door where they keep Homes and other free publications)

Komen Kick-Off Dinner

October 6, 2009 CANCER FREE

Well, I know everyone is on pins and needles to hear the PET scan results.....I'm CANCER FREE!!!!!!!! Let me just say that again in case you didn't hear me, I'm CANCER FREE!!!!! And very proud of it! I know I'm not done yet, my next surgery is two weeks from tomorrow, but man it feels good. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, what I went through was not easy. I am a SURVIVOR. My mom and I got to celebrate tonight at a kick off dinner for the Komen Race For The Cure. There were over 800 breast cancer survivors at Buckheads on the river, sharing and celebrating life and survivorship. What a great way to end the day, to be surrounded by hope.

Every time the phone rang today my heart would start racing. Finally, I decided that I was going to give myself a heart attack if I didn't just get it over with, so I got online to check my results. Once again, there they were. I printed them off without looking at the screen and stuck them in my pocket. I debated for a moment whether to look or not, then made my friend read them with me in case there was bad news. About an hour or two after reading them I got a call from my surgeon. Even though I knew the results, there was reassurance hearing it from him. He said that I had significant scaring in both arms. More scaring in the right side than he's ever seen, which would explain the interpretation from the radiologist. He said after my next surgery, if the pain and range of motion have not improved I can do physical therapy to improve it.

October 5, 2009

And now we wait.....The tech who did my test said I should hear something on Wednesday. Hopefully the next time I post I'll have some good news. I have to say, I really am at peace with the situation. I have placed it in God's hands.
I wanted to note that I have been feeling alot better this past week. I haven't had any really bad episodes of back pain from the chemo, and my fatigue is improving (I'm sure it will be a while before I'm back to pre-chemo stamina). I am starting to get some fuzz on my head, which is perfect timing, because it's getting chilly here in Louisville. I tried to have Chad take a picture of my fuzz, but his camera skills were HORRIBLE! I hope to get some pictures tomorrow at the kick off dinner for the Komen "Walk For The Cure". I'll try to post those.
Thanks for all the prayers!!! I am blessed with great family and friends!

October 4, 2009

I am ashamed to admit that I have been purposely avoiding the blog for the past week. I've been holding on to some feelings that I didn't want to share. I feel like that makes me a hypocrite, the whole reason I started this blog was to give a real account of life with cancer, to help others who may be dealing with the same feelings or stages that I am going through. With that being said, I feel like I should get a few things off my chest (like the pun? haha). Last week I mentioned that I was having some tenderness in my arm and decreased range of motion, and that I was going to go see my surgeon. Well I have, and things didn't quite go as planned. I assumed that I was developing Lymphedema (swelling in your tissue due to decreased drainage from your lymph system as a result of a lymph node dissection, which can cause irreversible damage), however the doc seemed to blow off that idea and suggested that I get a CT and a bone scan and we'll go from there. I asked him why we were doing those test and he told me, after he paused, that we need to check for recurrence or metastasis. Really!?!....I want the truth, don't get me wrong, but whoa, that is not what I had expected. It never crossed my mind as a possibility, how could I be so naive? After thinking about it, I remember asking my oncologist one day if I would get regular scans after treatment to check for recurrence, and she said no, we usually only do those if your having pain or feel new lumps, or if your labs come back out of range. Ughhhh, I don't even want to entertain the possibility. This was on a Thursday, I had my CT of the chest and bone scan on the next Tuesday. Being that I am terribly impatient on a good day, much less when I am am FREAKING OUT, and that I have access to my reports because of my job in the medical field, I couldn't help but look at my results on the computer. In basic terms, it said that I had a band of scar tissue in my axilla (armpit) and that in the scar tissue there was an irregular focal mass with fingers (NOT good, cancer like characteristic). The tumor could not be ruled out for recurrence or metastasis and that I needed a PET scan. It also said that some of my lymph nodes in my other armpit were enlarged, and that I needed a PET scan for those too. Let me just set up the scene for you...I am sitting at my desk at work, with my best friend looking over my shoulder as I pull up my results. Their there, they've been read. It takes a few seconds for me to talk myself into scrolling down the screen, I'm nervous as hell. The first test is my bone scan, it was normal, phew! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders, its not so hard for me to continue to scroll down to the CT. As I'm scrolling down I'm thinking to myself there sure is alot of writing in this report, usually there isn't that much to dictate....and then BAM! I see the work "irregular". In that second I literally thought that all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out. My heart was racing, and my hands started to shake. I'm floating in my own little world, when I hear my friend ask if I'm okay. "Yeah, I'll be fine" I said. "No, Alicia" she said "you have hives all over you, they look bad". Its not uncommon for me to get red when I am nervous, but this was not redness or even blotchiness, there were huge full out hives! Yes, that's how freaked out I was. I finish reading the report and start to cry. Part of me is crying because I don't want anymore bad news. I just finished my treatment, I want to move on! The other part of me is crying because it feels like a de ja vu from the first time I was diagnosed (I went in thinking it was nothing and felt like I was blindsided with the news), this really could be a reality, and I'm just not ready to accept that. It was a long night talking to my husband and family about the results and the possibilities, but I have to say, I was able to calm down much more quickly this time than when I was first diagnosed in March. I am learning that these things are out of my control, I have to trust God. I got a call from My surgeons office the next day telling me that I needed to be set up for a PET scan sooner than later, and was scheduled for this upcoming Monday. What a whirl wind, in less than a week I go from thinking nothings wrong to a battery of test and emotions to see if my cancers' back.
At this point, I am tired of waiting for everything to be over and putting my life on hold. I went to spin class last week to try and burn some steam, it took everything in me to stay on that bike. My cardiovascular endurance has gone down the drain. When I got home I just laid in bed, my limbs felt too heavy to pick up. However, its not going to get better unless I start pushing myself like that.
On top of my personal roller coaster this week, my husband and I had a very sobering week due to some horrible news from friends. One of Chad's close family friends died unexpectedly last week. A young man Chad's age left behind a wife, a 3 year old son and a grieving family after a tragic accident. I couldn't help be feel humbled and ashamed that I am so worried about my test results when I am so lucky to be alive!
I am a trying to keep my mind busy this week until I get the official word from the PET scan. If I've learned anything, it's that worrying won't get me anywhere, as a matter of fact it just burns through emotions that I could put towards fighting this battle.
I wonder how you ever completely get over the fear of your cancer coming back? I still have 50 good years ahead of me...I'm not read to give those up!
Don't forget that the Susan G Komen walk is next weekend on October 10th at 9 am. You can join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" or make a donation at the website listed under my blog "Breast Cancer Walks". Thanks!!!!

Breast Cancer Walks

Okay, the team name for both walks is "Alicia's Breast Friends"
The Susan G Komen walk is October 10th 9am
online registration: www.Komenlouisville.org
The ACS Making Strides walk is October 25th 1pm
online registration: www.makingstrides.acsevents.org/louisville
When you register, choose join existing team and use the name "Alicia's Breast Friends". It will walk you through all the steps. Donations are welcome.
I am so blessed that so many people have offered to walk with me! I look forward to a great Breast Cancer Awareness month :-)

September 24, 2009

This week has been much better than last week. I am starting to return to normal slowly but surely. For the most part I only have aches and fatigue. My taste is completely back and my bowels are getting back to normal. I haven't had any headaches in a while either. I've been really busy this week going out with friends for dinners and trying to have fun. I met with the Young Survivors last night...I always have a good time with them. It's nice to talk with other young women who are going through the same things you are.
I've had several people ask me if I will have a team for the two breast cancer walks next month. I will register tonight when I finish this blog and post how you can join me in the walk against breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen walk is October 10th and the American Cancer Society walk is October 25th. I am scheduled for surgery October 21st, but I hope to be well enough to walk.
I don't know if anyone has seen it yet or not, but WHAS 11 has been airing the promo that my mother and I filmed the day we did the interview with Rachel Platt. I still haven't received word on when that is going to air, but when I do I will pass it on. If I can figure it out I will try add an attachment of the clip.
For about the past two weeks or so I have noticed a decrease in the range of motion in my right arm (the arm my lymph node dissection was in) and my inner arm and arm pit have been increasingly more tender. I had made a full recovery after surgery so this was a bit concerning to me. I decided to go to my surgeon today to get a professional opinion and he scheduled me for some test to see what could be the cause. Now I just wait.
Tomorrow will one year til Chad and I leave for Italy!!!! I can't hardly wait!

September 16, 2009

I failed to mention in my last post that I had talked to my oncologist office yesterday about the fatigue and extremely painful aches I have in my back, and although I have an answer now, it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear. The best I can describe them would be unlike the aches associated with the flu, but rather a deep ache, like it is in my bones. It's a painful ache. I am in pain, not just achy. Anyways, the oncologist said this is a side effect of the Taxotere chemo, and although it may get worse when I am more fatigued, I would have it anyways. Some patients take pain medications. There have been times I have considered taking them were it not for the fact that I hate medication (isn't that what made me have the pain in the first, not to mention that pain medication = constipation, no fun.) The good news is, as the chemo wears off over the next few weeks the pain will subside, Yay! I also wanted to note that my finger nails have started to fall off. The nail is separating from tissue. It is not painful though, like I expected. I am going to interested to see how many nails actually fully separate and fall off.
Tonight I am looking forward to having dinner with a group of girl friends. I have no plans of slowing down. I'm gonna live it up til surgery time.

September 15, 2009

Well, This last treatment has proven to be a doozie. It just keeps hanging on. I have been so fatigued and achy since last Wednesday. I'm inclined to think I am still hanging on to a cold, but who knows. I have made it a point to not be held down the past few days. This weekend was the Old Kentucky Home Tour with the Louisville Bicycle Club. Over a thousand riders rode from Tom Sawyer Park to Bardstown, KY. I have done this ride several times in the past years, but this time I was a spectator. I went to Bardstown to hang out with some friends on Saturday then on Sunday I volunteered my time, and it was worth it. I guess it was second best to actually being in the ride. Sunday was also Chad and my 6th wedding anniversary. I have my taste back for the most part, so we decided to go to Mitchell's Fish Market for dinner. That's one of my favorite places, we enjoyed a very nice evening together. I feel so blessed that I have Chad in my life. I can't imagine going through the past year alone. It has been almost two weeks since my last treatment. I definitely don't feel great, but I'm getting there. I hope in two more weeks I will be starting to feel back to normal and able to get back to exercising. I am in desperate need of some cardio rehab. I think that is part of the reason I have had such a rapid heart rate and so many palpitations through chemo. I still haven't decided on a team name for the Komen Breast Cancer walk yet, however, I plan to register in the next day or two. I am impressed to see how many friends want to walk with me, thanks everyone!

September 10, 2009

I had a rough weekend. Another holiday weekend down the drain due to chemo. I spent the whole weekend laying in bed or on the sofa. I didn't have as severe nausea this time, just the general malaise and aches. The energy is literally zapped from me. My taste feels like it was even worse this time around. Sometimes just thinking about a certain type of food made my stomach turn. I guess that must be what it's like to be pregnant.
Tuesday was a slow day at work. I was able to sit down most of the day and do my work from my desk. I worked almost 6 hours, and for the most part I was doing okay, but decided to go to the grocery store on the way home...I just can't leave well enough alone...I always gotta do just a little more. By the time I left the store I was hurting and in pain, and had a very upset stomach. However I got some great deals on meat, lol. Anything to save a dollar these days (since I feel like I'm never working).
Wednesday I had to be at work early, and I did not sleep a wink the night before! I didn't fall asleep til 2, and from 2-6 I saw my clock way too many times to constitute good sleep. I did okay most of the morning, other than lots of trips to the bathroom. I was on my feet all morning and about 12:30 I crashed. The back pain and fatigue hit so fast, I felt worse than I had since the past chemo weekend. I knew I had to go home, there was no way around it, if I stayed a minute more I would have had a break down right there in the nurses station. I could barely sit in my car on the way home and went straight to bed. I couldn't even fall asleep I hurt so bad. I ached in a way I can't describe, like it was in my bones (an ache so bad it causes severe pain), I was short of breath (they say that happens because my counts get low, which if that is the case, there dropping early), I had a severe headache, my right arm got tight (the muscles where they did the lymphnode discection still get tight and limit my range of motion if I get too fatigued and when my counts drop), drainage, congestion, my stomach hurt...you get the point. Finally after about 45 minutes of laying there on my heating pad I finally fell asleep. When I woke up three hours later, I felt worse than when I layed down, which is very unusual for me. Against my better judgement I decided to go to my bible study anyways. It was the first night of the study and I knew I would be missing the next two weeks. I could barely make it out the door, and the whole way there I was nearly in tears thinking "what am I doing?!" I just wanna go home and go to bed. After a couple of hours I was more than ready to head home and get back into my bed again. This time I thought I would take a sleeping pill so that I didn't repeat the night before. Yeah, not so much...I STILL laid there wide awake for hours trying to fall asleep, feeling miserable. Needless to say, I did not go to work today. I'm a little bit bummed that I fell into the trap that I warned myself about. I was so ready to be done with chemo and start my life back full swing that I forgot that I still had to recover from this last treatment. Things can still go wrong, I can still get sick. I am sick of feeling sick, tired of being slowed down. Like all of my coping energies have been used up, and now I just wanna sit here and pout til I feel good. So I allow myself to sit here and have a moment, and I get mad at myself for not having a good attitude, so I give myself little pep talk and get back on the ride, smile on my face. Did I mention that my hormones have been a little out of control lately? Definitely! I go tomorrow to get my labs checked, I am interested to see what they are. So, I guess I'll sit here on the couch and waste another day away (I hate couch potatoes!).

My Last Chemo Treatment

Sepember 5, 2009

YAY!!!!! Its official, I had my last chemo treatment Thursday! I wasn't looking forward to it, especially since my last treatment gave me such a wicked beat down, but on the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to be done with this stage. It's two days after my treatment and so far I'm doing okay. I will be soooooo glad when I get my taste back. I think it's been one of the most annoying things I've had to put up with. It makes my mouth feel funny, nothing taste like what you want or expect, and it can make you nauseous (I do feel lucky that I didn't get sores in my mouth, I guess it can always be worse). I don't feel completely nauseous, rather "icky", if that makes since. The pain in my throat and neck haven't hit yet, but I'm sure it's a matter of time, since I've had it every treatment. I plan on laying low this weekend and taking it easy.
After my treatment was over the whole oncology staff came in my room with party horns and confetti and presented me with a certificate of completion of my chemo. Plus they had a chocolate cake...YUM! I've been so happy with my doctors and nurses at Louisville Oncology, they really go above and beyond, and you can tell they really care. During my check up before chemo my oncologist was telling me that if my ovaries are going to wake up, we should know while I'm on the hormone therapy. Let's keep our fingers crossed, I would love for Chad and I to get pregnant on our own (rather that having to implant the embryos, which means more hormones).
I also scheduled my next reconstruction surgery for October 21st. I feel like it's the last piece if the journey. I'm actually looking forward to something, it's a good feeling. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I started this journey 7 months ago, and in that time I have experienced so many emotions, and have grown so much. There's still a long road ahead of me, but I've definitely built confidence faith in myself and I know I can overcome any obstacle.

Fairfield Glade, TN.