October 26, 2009

Day 5 post-op. Things are going really well. I'm impressed how much more quickly I have recovered from this surgery. I'm still very tender and sore, but I was able to quit my pain meds Friday early afternoon. My legs are the most sore. I have to be careful not to plop myself into a chair, and I tend to be a bit stiff when I get up. Otherwise my bruising is healing and my scars are flattening out some. I am still having some nausea, but I'm pretty sure that has to due with hormones. I plan on going back to work Wednesday or Thursday, and I don't go back to my plastic surgeon til next Monday.
I had a follow up with my oncologist today. I am cleared for another 3 months, and I start my Tamoxifen tomorrow. She was unable to tell me how this medicine would affect my hormones, since every woman is different, but I am hoping for the best. I'll have to take this medicine for 5 years, which is why Chad and I have to wait to try to conceive.
It's a really weird feeling. I went from following my dreams to a screeching halt. Fighting cancer for 8 months and now I'm tossed back into my "life". In a way I kinda feel lost. I'm trying to find a balance. It would be a lie if I said I don't have to think about cancer anymore. It's always going to be a worry, is it going to come back? I'm reminded daily by the scars that mark my body. I can't just go back to my original plans and life course, if that were the case I should be having a baby about this time. Chad and I have to make a new path for ourselves, reprioritize. Ahh, where to go from here? It's such a scary transition. Alas, I know things will work out, I trust God, but where do I place my next step? I'm ready to move forward. I am cancer FREE!!! What an amazing journey. If you would have asked me in January if I thought I were strong enough to make it through a fight like this, or even imagine the possibility of facing something like this at my age I would have told you you were crazy. If I have learned anything, it is to never underestimate yourself, and NEVER underestimate the Lord. God is good, even amidst our fears and trials. I feel like I've won the battle. Not because I'm cancer free, but because I feel like I've taken more from cancer than cancer has taken from me. I have been blessed beyond measure throughout my journey this year.

October 23, 2009

It's two days after surgery and I have to admit, I was hoping to feel better than I do. Surgery went great, other than waiting forever to go to surgery. I think I was in surgery for about 2 1/2 hours. It took me a little bit to wake up from the anesthesia, but when I did, I was feeling pretty good (obviously sore, but not as bad as I had expected). They had booked me a room to spend the night, but I was able to go home that afternoon around 5pm. I took it easy for the rest of the evening and slept great that night. The next day did not go great. I've been really tired and VERY sore (I have HUGE bruises on my thighs from the fat grafting, and my chest is tight). After one of my naps I nearly passed out and felt very nauseous. That continued into last night and today. Last night at around 5am I woke up and thought I was going to get sick, plus I was in alot of pain. I am still taking my pain meds and even had to take some Zofran for my nausea. Against my better judgement I had my in-laws take me to the grocery store so I could get a few items. I didn't carry anything but I think even the walking was too much.

October 21, 2009

Today is the day. I have to be at the hospital by 9am. No nerves, I feel really good about this one. I know and love my surgeon and my anesthesiologist is a close friend. I'm in good hands. Yea!!!!! This is my last step, I'm sooo ready to be done. Not looking forward to the pain thats gonna come this afternoon.
Anyways, running late, gotta go.
Wish me luck

October 16, 2009

5 days til surgery! Not much is going on. I went to spin class last night and I have definitely paid for it today. I went with the intentions of taking it easy, and ended up pushing myself to my max. Of course, what else would I expect, I'm so competitive. I was nice to know that my cardiovascular system is getting stronger. I've not been having to rapid heart rate like I was during my treatments (told you it was from the chemo). I've been very physical this week, and have noticed some "chemo" back pain. I thought that stage was over, but at least it's getting better and less often. My hair is really starting to come in. I hope to post a pic soon of the progress. Now, if I could just grow some eyebrows, hahaha.
It's not too late to join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" for the ACS Making Strides Walk.

Koman "Walk For The Cure" 2009

October 12, 2009

I guess it's time to start the countdown....9 days til surgery.
I loved the footage from the WHAS 11 interview, I hope to post a link to it soon. Things have been going pretty well. For the most part I'm feeling better, but I'm not 100% yet.
This past Saturday was the Komen Walk For The Cure. It was amazing! Thank you to everyone who supported, donated and walked with me.
Mom and I have another interview this Wednesday on WAVE 3 form 10-11am.

WHAS 11 INTERVIEW

Just wanted to let everyone know that the footage that was taped last month for WHAS 11 will air tonight in the 5:00 news hour. Also, mom and I will be live next Wednesday on WAVE 3 from 10-11. The Todays Woman article is out, you can find copies at Kroger (at the door where they keep Homes and other free publications)

Komen Kick-Off Dinner

October 6, 2009 CANCER FREE

Well, I know everyone is on pins and needles to hear the PET scan results.....I'm CANCER FREE!!!!!!!! Let me just say that again in case you didn't hear me, I'm CANCER FREE!!!!! And very proud of it! I know I'm not done yet, my next surgery is two weeks from tomorrow, but man it feels good. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, what I went through was not easy. I am a SURVIVOR. My mom and I got to celebrate tonight at a kick off dinner for the Komen Race For The Cure. There were over 800 breast cancer survivors at Buckheads on the river, sharing and celebrating life and survivorship. What a great way to end the day, to be surrounded by hope.

Every time the phone rang today my heart would start racing. Finally, I decided that I was going to give myself a heart attack if I didn't just get it over with, so I got online to check my results. Once again, there they were. I printed them off without looking at the screen and stuck them in my pocket. I debated for a moment whether to look or not, then made my friend read them with me in case there was bad news. About an hour or two after reading them I got a call from my surgeon. Even though I knew the results, there was reassurance hearing it from him. He said that I had significant scaring in both arms. More scaring in the right side than he's ever seen, which would explain the interpretation from the radiologist. He said after my next surgery, if the pain and range of motion have not improved I can do physical therapy to improve it.

October 5, 2009

And now we wait.....The tech who did my test said I should hear something on Wednesday. Hopefully the next time I post I'll have some good news. I have to say, I really am at peace with the situation. I have placed it in God's hands.
I wanted to note that I have been feeling alot better this past week. I haven't had any really bad episodes of back pain from the chemo, and my fatigue is improving (I'm sure it will be a while before I'm back to pre-chemo stamina). I am starting to get some fuzz on my head, which is perfect timing, because it's getting chilly here in Louisville. I tried to have Chad take a picture of my fuzz, but his camera skills were HORRIBLE! I hope to get some pictures tomorrow at the kick off dinner for the Komen "Walk For The Cure". I'll try to post those.
Thanks for all the prayers!!! I am blessed with great family and friends!

October 4, 2009

I am ashamed to admit that I have been purposely avoiding the blog for the past week. I've been holding on to some feelings that I didn't want to share. I feel like that makes me a hypocrite, the whole reason I started this blog was to give a real account of life with cancer, to help others who may be dealing with the same feelings or stages that I am going through. With that being said, I feel like I should get a few things off my chest (like the pun? haha). Last week I mentioned that I was having some tenderness in my arm and decreased range of motion, and that I was going to go see my surgeon. Well I have, and things didn't quite go as planned. I assumed that I was developing Lymphedema (swelling in your tissue due to decreased drainage from your lymph system as a result of a lymph node dissection, which can cause irreversible damage), however the doc seemed to blow off that idea and suggested that I get a CT and a bone scan and we'll go from there. I asked him why we were doing those test and he told me, after he paused, that we need to check for recurrence or metastasis. Really!?!....I want the truth, don't get me wrong, but whoa, that is not what I had expected. It never crossed my mind as a possibility, how could I be so naive? After thinking about it, I remember asking my oncologist one day if I would get regular scans after treatment to check for recurrence, and she said no, we usually only do those if your having pain or feel new lumps, or if your labs come back out of range. Ughhhh, I don't even want to entertain the possibility. This was on a Thursday, I had my CT of the chest and bone scan on the next Tuesday. Being that I am terribly impatient on a good day, much less when I am am FREAKING OUT, and that I have access to my reports because of my job in the medical field, I couldn't help but look at my results on the computer. In basic terms, it said that I had a band of scar tissue in my axilla (armpit) and that in the scar tissue there was an irregular focal mass with fingers (NOT good, cancer like characteristic). The tumor could not be ruled out for recurrence or metastasis and that I needed a PET scan. It also said that some of my lymph nodes in my other armpit were enlarged, and that I needed a PET scan for those too. Let me just set up the scene for you...I am sitting at my desk at work, with my best friend looking over my shoulder as I pull up my results. Their there, they've been read. It takes a few seconds for me to talk myself into scrolling down the screen, I'm nervous as hell. The first test is my bone scan, it was normal, phew! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders, its not so hard for me to continue to scroll down to the CT. As I'm scrolling down I'm thinking to myself there sure is alot of writing in this report, usually there isn't that much to dictate....and then BAM! I see the work "irregular". In that second I literally thought that all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out. My heart was racing, and my hands started to shake. I'm floating in my own little world, when I hear my friend ask if I'm okay. "Yeah, I'll be fine" I said. "No, Alicia" she said "you have hives all over you, they look bad". Its not uncommon for me to get red when I am nervous, but this was not redness or even blotchiness, there were huge full out hives! Yes, that's how freaked out I was. I finish reading the report and start to cry. Part of me is crying because I don't want anymore bad news. I just finished my treatment, I want to move on! The other part of me is crying because it feels like a de ja vu from the first time I was diagnosed (I went in thinking it was nothing and felt like I was blindsided with the news), this really could be a reality, and I'm just not ready to accept that. It was a long night talking to my husband and family about the results and the possibilities, but I have to say, I was able to calm down much more quickly this time than when I was first diagnosed in March. I am learning that these things are out of my control, I have to trust God. I got a call from My surgeons office the next day telling me that I needed to be set up for a PET scan sooner than later, and was scheduled for this upcoming Monday. What a whirl wind, in less than a week I go from thinking nothings wrong to a battery of test and emotions to see if my cancers' back.
At this point, I am tired of waiting for everything to be over and putting my life on hold. I went to spin class last week to try and burn some steam, it took everything in me to stay on that bike. My cardiovascular endurance has gone down the drain. When I got home I just laid in bed, my limbs felt too heavy to pick up. However, its not going to get better unless I start pushing myself like that.
On top of my personal roller coaster this week, my husband and I had a very sobering week due to some horrible news from friends. One of Chad's close family friends died unexpectedly last week. A young man Chad's age left behind a wife, a 3 year old son and a grieving family after a tragic accident. I couldn't help be feel humbled and ashamed that I am so worried about my test results when I am so lucky to be alive!
I am a trying to keep my mind busy this week until I get the official word from the PET scan. If I've learned anything, it's that worrying won't get me anywhere, as a matter of fact it just burns through emotions that I could put towards fighting this battle.
I wonder how you ever completely get over the fear of your cancer coming back? I still have 50 good years ahead of me...I'm not read to give those up!
Don't forget that the Susan G Komen walk is next weekend on October 10th at 9 am. You can join my team "Alicia's Breast Friends" or make a donation at the website listed under my blog "Breast Cancer Walks". Thanks!!!!