Did I not just say in my last blog "If I've learned anything through this process, it not to get your hopes up...everything changes." Well, lesson learned. Yesterday (Wednesday) I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon to be expanded. That morning when I got up I had an infection in my incision on my left breast. A couple of months ago an internal suture did not dissolve and erupted through the skin, leaving an open wound. I told Dr. Thornton's nurse about this and she said that "Oh, normally we would pull them out, but because it's in your incision I'm gonna leave it alone". Not the right answer. I have been back several times since then for expansions and she examines my chest every time. Therefore I know she knows it was not going away. Anyways, back to yesterday. When I woke up the open wound around the stitch was red and swollen, I could tell that the incision next to it was stretching from pressure built up from the pus. There was no head on it so I got in the shower. When I turned off the water and went to dry off I noticed that it looked like there was a scab covering it, I went to feel it to see if it was hard of soft and it burst under my finger. It drained quite a bit of pus, I turned the water back on and cleaned it off well, then covered it up. Good thing I already have an appointment with the surgeon today. When I saw the nurse I told her what had happened, and she told me that it was no big deal, if the pus came out already it should be healed by tomorrow. I told her I didn't feel comfortable expanding today with the infection and would like to hold off. She had the audacity to make me feel like I was a overreacting for not wanting to be expanded. "Well, we can fill you if you'd like, BUT IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE we can hold off. Well good for you bitch, your not the one who is at risk of loosing a breast. In case you forgot, I have chemo tomorrow-you know those drugs that lower your immune system and drop your WBC. Oh, and by the way, I have no tissue covering these expanders, so if the infection doesn't magically go away over night and spreads, they may have to take the expander out. Sorry, but I'm not so cool with that! I've got plenty of surgeries to deal with assuming thing go as planned. Maybe it's just me, but when I do the math, it just doesn't add up. Open wound around a stitch for two months, infection, cover with band-aid and magically the next day infection is gone, stitch dissolves itself and the hole closes! WTF!!! Okay, I realize I'm JUST a paramedic, but it would make since to me to eliminate some of the factors here, for starters, how about you finally take that nasty suture out that has been soaked in pus that you should have taken out two months ago. Anyways, she tells me to get dressed and I can reschedule before my next chemo treatment (3 weeks away). I get dresses, even though I am PISSED and got NOTHING resolved and was walking out the door when Dr. Digenis (Dr. Thornton's partner) came in and introduced himself. He asked if he could see the wound, so I showed it to him and he said it looked like it needed to be addressed further (Duh, I knew that!!! Next time relay that to your nurse!) He asked me to lay down and he dug around to pull out the suture that was still there. He was concerned that with out opening the hole a little bigger it would not be able to continue to drain properly, so the took some scissors and opened the hole wider. He also packed it with iodoform gauze, to help it wick the drainage. He told me I could pull the wick that night, but to keep it clean and follow up with my oncologist tomorrow. He was so nice. Thank God for that. This wasn't the first time I've had a problem with that nurse, from now on, I'm only going to see the doctor! Anyways that night I pulled the wick and it was looking better, now we just have to keep it clean and wait for it to close.
Tomorrows chemo.

June 30, 2009

Well, I have to say that mentally I am ready for chemo this week. I'm ready to get this show on the road. After this treatment I will be half way through. However, I think my body is protesting (which I think is weird, since it didn't share that sentiment with my psyche). I've been really tired and I have had the worst back pain today right below my shoulder blades. I've had this pain before, but not this bad. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the expansion process, but what do you do? I wanna have boobs, so I guess you suck it up. The concerning pain is in my trunk. Under my right breast down to where my rib cage ends is sooooo terribly tender I can't stand it. Even to stretch hurts (pressing the tissue against my ribs), this too I think may be attributed to the expansion process, but I will ask tomorrow. Yep, getting pumped up tomorrow. This hasn't really been a issue in the past, so I don't expect to have any pain or problems (usually just a little muscle tightness). We'll see how things look (buy things I mean breast), but I should only have one more expansion after tomorrow. If I've learned anything through this process, it's not to get your hopes up...everything is subject to change.
Yesterday was a great day! Mom and I had the "Look Good, Feel Better" class. It was nice. There was only one other lady there with us (she had small cell lung cancer). The whole time was spent on doing our make-up. We each received a make-up bag FULL of make-up. Brands like Chanel, Este Lauder, Aveda, Bobby Brown, Clinque, Mac and more. They value each bag over $300 dollars. I'm pretty sure I've never spent that amount of money on make-up in my whole life, hahaha. Anyways, after the class we did a little bit of shopping, and had lunch. I love my mother, and I'm so glad that we are so close and can enjoy spending time together.
It just occurred to me that today was my Monday, and tomorrow will be my Friday, not too bad, huh?
Now if I can just remember some quarters for the meters tomorrow, gets me every time! :-)

June 28, 2009

I've had a great weekend. Friday after work I went wig shopping. It really was fun trying all of them on, seeing what I looked like with all the different hair do's. I decided on on a longer style with some loose curls and swooped bangs. I like it alot, it makes me feel good about myself, and the warm reddish brown gives my face some much needed color. I was thinking about taking some photos of my different wigs and posting them on the blog. That way you guys can check them out and vote for your favorite ones. Speaking of hair, as you know I shaved my head about a month ago. I have a some very short stubble left that I thought was weird, I would have thought that it would fall out too. I figured it had something to do with it being so short (who knows, my theories are usually wrong anyways). At any rate, the stubble is no longer going to be a problem. Last night while I was showering, I rinsed out my rag after washing my head (you can do that when you don't have long hair, saves time AND money on shampoo, haha) and it was covered with stubble. I still have some stubble, but now its patchy, PLUS I still have that stupid rash on my head and neck! I am surprised how long the whole hair loss process has taken. I still haven't lost my eyebrows or eyelashes yet. They seem to be falling out, just very slowly. Even still, being bald has been soooooo easy. Showering is faster, getting ready is faster, it's cooler on these HOT summer days, plus you can wear a wig to fit whatever mood your in.
Yesterday I went to Huber's Winery. I love that place, if you can't tell by how often I go. We picked some berries (I love fresh produce), and ate lunch while a band played. We sat there drinking our sangria's enjoying the day. I feel so blessed to have great friends.
I'm looking forward to next week too, even though it's my chemo week. I'll only have a two day work week. I have Monday off work so Mom and I can go to a "Look Good, Feel Better" class. They give us tips on how to hide the side effects of chemo and give us makeovers to help us feel better about ourselves during our treatments. Mom gets to go too because she just finished her chemo treatments in January and is still considered "in treatment" (even though she is now in remission, a survivor!). I think it's going to be fun, were going to go to lunch first and make it a girls day, plus it's Margarita Monday. Work Tuesday and Wednesday (doctor's appointment Wednesday with the plastic surgeon for an expansion) off Thursday for chemo, then off Friday for the fourth of July weekend. Plus I have two long weekends to flank the short work week, pretty sweet!
Chads off tonight so I'm gonna go spend some time with him

June 24, 2009

It was nice to sleep in this morning. Today was the Young Survivors lunch so I didn't go into work until after lunch, leaving time to hang out in bed a few extra hours. Lunch was great, we ate at Ramsi's Cafe on the World. It was the first time I had been to that restaurant, and the food was very yummy (I got the fish tacos). I really enjoy seeing all the girls. We all seem to hit it off every time we get together, and I enjoy being able to socialize with women that are going through the same things that I am. I hope that this group will provide more opportunities for me to be an advocate for young women diagnosed with breast cancer, or any cancer for that matter. I feel like I am called to bring attention to fertility issues that exist for young women after diagnosis, whether it be financial assistance, or resources, mainly due to the fact that after my diagnosis I felt helpless with no direction or support in this department. Just the other day it occurred to me how lucky I was that I was married and had a partner to help me make decisions regarding my fertility. We were advised to have my eggs fertilized before freezing them. Freezing eggs is still experimental and less successful, and most places will not freeze eggs. Without a husband or partner I would have been unable to store any embryos. I know that there are other alternatives, such as adoption, surrogacy, or donation but some women, like myself want to experience pregnancy and child birth. I feel like not having the option robs me of the opportunity, and I refuse to let cancer do that. I am going to take from cancer, cancer is not going to take away from me (and I have already taken so much...friends, lessons, blessings, strength). I'm open to suggestions on how to expand and improve my mission. This is just the beginning, I hope to touch countless womens lives, and give them HOPE and options.
I had a good day today, and I know I'm blessed that I can say that! Thank you Lord!

June 23, 2009

Well, in this case no news is good news (not always the case). I've been feeling great, back to myself after my last chemo. However I've been preoccupied the past few days....Twilight! I'm addicted, thanks girls (you know who you are) for dragging me kicking and screaming into the 'club'. Basically I've not taken my nose out the books for the past few days. Last night I didn't go to bed til 1:30am because I couldn't put the book down. Seriously though, I am really impressed at how well chemo has been going. I really feel blessed that I've been able to maintain my normal life and continue to work. Tomorrow is my "Young Survivors" lunch, I'm really looking forward to it. I had a really good time last time. It's hard to go for the first time to anything like this because you don't know what to expect or if you'll hit it off with anyone there, but I was really impressed. I definitely have made some friends, true life long friends.
I received a pleasant surprise today, were going on a family vacation, Yeeeaaaa! In August my parents and sisters family are going to Tennessee to relax and spend some time together, it's going to be alot of fun. I can't remember the last time we took a family vacation, I know I was young. We used to go somewhere every year, we were a lucky family.
I plan on going to spin class again this week, oh the beloved bike! I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know there is hope of me riding outside again (I was worried that after surgery I would be limited, due to the risk of lymphedema,and limited strength and range of motion, but my strength is returning, and no signs of edema). My favorite triathlon is in August, so my plan is to race next year. It will kinda be my kick off, back into my athletic hobbies (I should be done with all my surgeries by then).
Well good night, after a late night last night (he, he) and a busy week at work so far this week (covering for a coworker from 8-5 past two days), I'm off to bed. Yawn.....

June 18, 2009

What an interesting day. I had my massage this morning, ohhhh it was nice. I miss being able to lay on my stomach (can't do that due to the expanders) but it still felt great! When I was leaving the hospital it started to storm. That storm was ridiculous! The skies turned black, it was pouring down so hard there was flooding, and the lightning was out of control. One of our neighbors' house (two houses down) was struck by lighting and caught fire. Today after work I finally got to go see one of the women from the retreat who had surgery. She has had a very rough week, she's already had three surgeries since Monday and has to go back into surgery tomorrow. Please keep her in your prayers. There are too many young women diagnosed with cancer and faced with life changing decisions. I feel blessed that there are groups that help us connect and support each other.
The chemo symptoms are starting to improve, or should I say change, so I'm happy about that. I've resigned to the fact that I'm gonna have bowel problems til chemo is over. Basically besides the heartburn, my mouth and taste (my tastebuds are fried!), everything is going well. Tomorrow I have my blood counts drawn, so we'll see how low those are. I've not gotten sick so that's a good sign. The nurses said last time that even if there low, if your body can rebound and you don't get sick it's not that big of a problem. When I had my labs drawn before chemo last week they said they had really improved, Yeah me!
Did I mention that my husband has been a trooper through all of this? Props to my husband and family for sticking by my side! Thanks for all your support!!!